"Love All, Trust a Few, Do Wrong to Pathmark.”

Hollywood Trend: Action Movies and Shows Named After Mundane Occupations!

A Complete List of Things To Say At A Gender Reveal Party

1) "Oh! It's gonna be a boy! Congratulations!"

2) "Did you think it was going to be a boy?"

3) "Did you think it was going to be a girl?"

4)

5)

6)

7)

8)

9)

10-∞)

The ProofrEADJer: It's July Already? Edition

UAG

EADJ: The Editorial Quality Is Definitely Slipping

 

Yesterday we posted what we thought was an entry that we had forgotten to post, and it turns out we had already posted the damn thing as a makeup post for forgetting to post anything for the first time in the history of EADJ.

Words cannot describe how embarrassed the editorial staff is at this double gaffe, and we assure both of you reading that are working hard to provide you with the best, freshest, most non-redundant content on the blogosphere.

Seacrest out.

Nobody Better Lay A Finger On My Lobsterfest®

Editor's Note: EADJ has been posting the latest and greatest Lobsterfest® offerings for years now, and only fairly recently has it become mandatory for the writer of these entries to be inebriated.

So last Saturday, Andrew got drunk and wrote this latest entry. No typos have been corrected, although we have added a "®" to every mention of Lobsterfest®.

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster continues its relentless siege on the fools who resist attending its succulent suckfest. Here now are the latest developments in lobster-delivered-all-up-in-your-face technology:

• You bring a lobster into the shower. You shower on it, seeing just what disparate drips of water drip down beneath your nether regions. Whichever drips happen to hit the lobster, you must take bites of said lobster immediately. Taste the sensation! And that's just a Russian-roulette-esque way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Find a Tony Roma's ”A Place for Ribs" near your chosen residence or place of business. Eat ribs copiously, showing your teeth and letting your food pieces gleam with importance. Contemplate how this activity still does not compare in any way ro LOBSTERFEST®. From there, head to lobsterfest® and just eat your fucking face off.

• A man and a woman walk through a hybrid Target/Subway/Pier One Imported Goods parking lot. A group of dancing lobsters, which includes a woman who matriculated at Harvard, an ex-rockette, and someone who used to date Tim Teufel, appear and gather in a way that makes you appreciate how much you tip a belly dancer. Everyone's here! Hope you've enjoyed another way to enjoy LOBSTERFEST® AT RED LOBSTER.

• Redman and Method Man show up and debate amongst themselves just how many cheese muffins they can steal. U-God shows up. He stuffs his face and starts speaking in crumbs (spitting crumbs everywhere, hitting everyone in sight). While making the call without any regard, Martin Scorsese just goes up and says yes, then drives away in his fully-loaded Lexus. Hello! And goodnight, lobster fans. Stay here and stay for the tastings.

Every "Best Supporting Actress" Nomination Set-Up Speech.

"A nurse lost on a beach. A mother-to-be on the run from the law. A desperate jewelry shop owner. A prostitute who can read minds. And an autistic stewardess with enormous breasts. These are the nominees for "Best Supporting Actress." This year's performances ranged from the absurd and harrowing to the triumphant and luminescent. And tonight, we celebrate these five roles, each played to perfection by the finest actresses they could find for the budget with the best approximate age and costume size specs. Each honed their craft and poured their soul onto the screen for all the world to see– at least the parts of the world that have artsy movie theatres that can show such obscure and almost-definitely not profitable films.

"Tonight's nominees for Best Supporting Actress are:

Emily Blunt in "Nights In Florence Nightingale"

Cameron Diaz in "Broke Water"

Marcia Gay Harden in "Gold Leaf Detail"

Charlize Theron in "You're Name's Not John"

and Salma Hayek in "24D"

"And the winner is..."

Why Try Harder?

Especially in this economy.

Good Job, Nonwhite!

The other day, Tom noticed this item sitting on a co-worker's cubicle shelf:

"Most Promising Minority Student?" What the f? Is that supposed to be complimentary from that University? Seems a little patronizing. No, actually not patronizing... more like qualifying, like "Hey, you're doing pretty well for a Hispanic," or "We don't expect much from Blacks, but wow, you surprised us."

Makes you think there's a "regular" "Most Promising Student" award somewhere on some collar-popping, power-lunching dickhead's oak desk.

And the "Our Differences Bring Us Together" at the bottom makes it all the more contradictory and insulting. Thanks, Denny's University!

But that's just my kneejerk opinion, uh, in case that co-worker happens to read my blog. Hi!

A Short List of Things I JUST Got Now.

• Peter Wolf, singer of the 80's hit song "Lights Out," was the lead singer of the J.Geils Band! I thought his voice sounded familiar. Weird!

• Allman and Woman, 1977


Shit, I just realized this was a play on the words "All Man and Woman" and not just calling Cher "Woman." I didn't catch that connection at age 7. I was just confused why Cher was cheating on Sonny.

• That first Hulk movie was terrible.


I had let my admiration for Ang Lee cloud my judgment there. The fact that at one point there was a giant, rabid poodle jumping from limb to limb in a redwood forest didn't tip it off for me. The new one is pretty cohesive if slow in places. Definitely better.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

(pictured above, Taco Bell Express is both the most depressing and the most hilarious place on Earth)

"Honeymoon Photos? OH BOY!!!!"

(pictured above, John Reid wants to run, but cannot move his legs, but cannot wake up from this nightmare)

Tat's So Raven.

Are you so hopelessly tattooed that the only options for employment are at a record store or as a strip club bartender? AND have you been proposed to anyway? AND for some stupid reason he wants a traditional wedding? Well, Karla, you're in luck, because Doc Wilson's Wrecking Balm Tattoo Fade System is here!

No longer do you have to walk down the aisle holding a bouquet of lilacs and white roses with a gigantic image of a flaming nazi dragon with a viking helmet masturbating with a femur bone on your back. No longer do you have to show the families at the public pool your Yakuza connections. No longer will you get to blame your crumbling personal relationships on your "ink." I hate it when people call it that.


In just 86 weeks, you too can make your tribal/barbed wire arm tat disappear. The Hepatitis C, however, is a different story LOL.


Removal Device = iron stick that you dip in fire


So, relax, fat Maggie Gyllenhaal, your miracle product is here!

Piss-Awful Vegas Act #1

Feet a Kick, Joel

(pictured above, a Skechers ad comes close to fulfilling my desire to see Ashlee Simpson getting the shit kicked out of her)

Eat A Golden Globes Dick Joel.

(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, this entry has been submitted by Larry Liss– for realsy this time.)

In a thinly-veiled attempt to both swallow a few swords and peddle his ineptly-penned TV mini series "Too Many Clowns," Joel showed up at the Golden Globe Awards, mouth wide open. Here's what a few celebs had to say about a dick-eating Joel:

"That laugh will invade my dreams for years to come." –Clint Eastwood

"I get it. Jersey Girl sucked. But it was a fucking masterpiece next to a script about a sad clown that's raised by cyborgs." –Ben Affleck

"(Sigh) He uses way too much teeth." –Leonardo Di Caprio.

"With hard-work and a lot of dick-eating, Joel will make it in this town." –That guy on Grey's Anatomy, who used to be the Karate Kid. I think.

"I don't even have a dick. I don't know why he keeps asking me if he can suck it." Teri Hatcher

(Pictured above, Teri Hatcher: Seriously, I don't have a dick, Joel.)