Skyline Bathroom Tissue
Notable Features:• Unnerving handwritten typeface
• Use of dark, dystopian city from "Blade Runner"
• Lack of color on label
Downside:Treats the ass like a number.
Daisy Bathroom Tissue
Notable Features:• Bold Red Label
• Tagline: "Feel the difference"
• Comes in "soft"
Downside:As cheap and useless as Daisy from "Daisy of Love."
Mabel Clean and Soft 2-Ply Sheets
Notable Features:• Pleasing, contemporary Colors
• Unexplained "L" Monogram
• Use of preppie argyle pattern
Downside:Feels like wiping with Kanye's sock.
Seventh Generation Bathroom Tissue/Papier Hygiénique (submitted by Larry K)
Notable Features:• 80% Post-Consumer Recycled Paper, so you're wiping with someone's old table tent
• Bleached (like your you-know-what)
• Contains an actual blurb from the Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy (click on the photo if you don't fucking believe me)
Downside:There's a reason a leaf is on the cover.
Livi Bathroom Tissue
Notable Features:• Logo that resembles a leaf or a vagina
• FULL EMBOSS
• Fun to pronounce name
Downside:Shows no mercy.
Unnamed Cloud-Wrapped T.P.
Notable Features:• Shrouded in mystery
• Enigma wrapped in a riddle
• Reminds one of
The Simpsons' opening credits
Downside:There's no contact information in case you want to sue.
Greenleafe Reserve Bath Tissue
Notable Features:• Extra "E" added for class
• Overuse of leaf imagery to really drive the concept home
• Is "reserve" for special occasions
Downside:Blows.
Mor-Soft MS500
Notable Features:• Terrible grammar
• Apparently upgraded from "400"
• Sounds like the name of a Sony audio component
Downside:Turns out 500 is how many of the thin sheets you'll need to use to get it all.
Marcal Sunrise
Notable Features:• VIRTUALLY lint free
• Will leave your asshole 95% free of lintballs
• Contains only a trace amount of annoying gray lint
Downside:MOTHERFUCK, SOMEBODY GRAB ME A LINTROLLER.
Smart Soft 500 2-Ply Sheets
Notable Features:• Modern typeface
• Clean label
• Soothing use of colors
Downside:When they say "smart," they actually mean it hurts.
Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue
Notable Features:• Label looks similar to the Wal-Mart logo
• Suspiciously downplays the word "soft"
• Promises an experience not unlike the Rapture
Downside:Causes you to blaspheme like a motherfucker when using.
LRMGOBAO Tissue 2-Ply Sheets
Notable Features:• Confusing, unpronounceable name????
• Possibly an acronym???????
• Hey, maybe it's onomatopoeic? Like that's the sound you make when using it?????
• And why the globe? Is that a foreign name, then??????
• I really don't know. Very confused.
Downside:I dunno. You got me, man. As they say in my home country, "LRMGOBAO."
To further add to the confusion, here is a
video about LRMGOBAO made by some middle school drama class (????????????).
