Behold Lucy. Lucy is the
World's Largest Concrete Elephant-Shaped Tourist Trap located in beautiful Margate, New Jersey. And Lucy hates you all.
Built in a shitty, unstable location? Check. Used as a hotel for drunk guido assholes? Check. Inexplicable historical status to turn it into a begrudging eyesore landmark? Check. Lucy hates you all.
*1 Who hates you
*2 A smaller town of assholes that's at least removed from a town full of way bigger assholes
*3 The U.S. Department of the Interior approved my landmark status as a joke. But who's laughing now, G-men? Fuckers.
*4 Sure, bring the little licebags and tell them it's Disneyland. I actually revel in their disappointment.
*5 But Lucy wishes a painful death upon you and all your family.
*6 From up here, you can see the roads that lead you out of this godforsaken shithole.
*7 We fenced it up because we figured parents who consider me actual entertainment aren't really good at parenting to begin with.
*8 A lot of older people have turned their ankles on my spiral staircase. One guy had a stroke. That made my day.
*9 Note number 8. That guy did die after two months.
*10 WTF. Friggin' teachers bring their students to me as if I'm some kind of anatomically correct model. Pretty useless schools in Margate, NJ anyway. They're all going to end up working at the casino in Atlantic City. Truth hurts.
*11 Believe it or not, several guys have proposed in my "howdah." The women all said "no," as they should. Good for you, gals for having taste.
*12 They sealed up the eyes in 1987 when people kept pissing out onto my trunk.
*13 I hear that pun from Jimmy, the tour guide about 400 times a day. I despise him, too.
*14 The "museum" is actually four framed photos of me in better days, plus a postcard rack. Hannah behind the counter is getting a divorce.
*15 The change in schedule depends on if it rained the night before. I leak and flood like a motherfucker, but at least it rinses out the vomit stains.
*16 Coupon not good at this location. Fuck you!
