EADJ Fashion Round-Up

This person on the treadmill sounded like someone was giftwrapping trash bags in cellophane during a hailstorm.

This dude has so many pulls, straps, and twist-ties that he should stay at least a mile away from a corn thresher.

Even if the fishing hat doesn't match the bag or the Uggs, the fur fringe ties the whole thing together.

I swear I was psyched to spot Shrek.

Kickstarter Projects That Didn't Get Off The Ground

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the least successful crowdfunding campaigns of the month:

• MEAT SPINDLE -  a toilet paper spindle made out of delicious gyro lamb/beef meat

• Painted Clams - colorful painted clamshells that contain prizes and holiday cheer (not limited to Thanksgiving)

• Toothpaste bukakke - no description necessary

• Small pieces of cardboard cut especially for breakdancing mice

• A book compiling 50,000 love letters sent to Darla from "Our Gang" that were never sent

• A stapler that yells "JEFF EPSTEIN DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF" whenever used

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs About Streaming Services

 People who have cu... ahh... cut cable may still be looking for... huff huff... live TV options. Live *gag* TV streaming *gasp* services are great because they... ahh... they... ouch. Dammit. They give you the ability to watch local and national... agh... news as well as live sports and events... Wait. Ouch ouch ow ow ow ow ow ow... All you need... oh God...  is a streaming device or smart TV. Try these services:

• Direct TV Stream

• Hulu Plus Live TV

• Oh Goddammit My Jaw

• Sling TV

• MOTHERFUCKER THIS HURTS

Whichever service you... gag... end up with, make sure... m... m... make sureyouhavefastenoughbroadband internetsomultiplepeoplecanwatchontheirowndevices... *neck snaps*

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Special Valentine's Week Entry

Twitter sucks. Bunch of under-informed attention whores spouting worthless bullshit and other people commenting their bullshit on it. And with Valentine's Day here, all this bullshit gets cranked to 10.

But the twittersphere doesn't use some hashtags. Here are a few of the least popular ones this week:

#gloryholeromance

#celibacymakesmecum

#Ishavedmyrectumforthis

#savingmyselfforMorrissey

#ImsinglebychoiceImseriousDon'tlaugh

#IactuallyhaveasignificantotherbutIloveyourpity 

Yet Even More Selections From The Sharper Image Catalog

Click to enlarge and read:

 

Aerobed. A Family Company.

Aerobed is sending a clear message to its customers: their line of air mattresses– whether it's the 17" One-Touch Comfort or the Elevated Queen 18"Airbed– are NOT to be used for premarital sex. PERIOD.

Aerobed, whose parent company is the Wichita, Kansas based Coleman Company, Inc., is making it abundantly clear that they will not tolerate unmarried intercourse on their inflatable vinyl beds. Their patented stability base provides extra support for married house guests who are staying over, not for two lust-addled young people to hungrily fuck without committing to the eternal vows of matrimony.

Even their box graphics clearly show a young couple not just betrothed but 100% married, as indicated by the happy groom's prominent band. So if they do agree to engage in sexual congress on this airbed, whereby he takes his erect penis and thrusts it into her moistened, lubricated vagina, it's allowed under the eyes of God and not some tawdry, illicit affair that would damn their souls to hell.

Happy Valentine's Day From EADJ!

Guys, here are a few unorthodox ways to celebrate V-Day with your lover:

• Take her to a lavish, expensive dinner, then "forget your wallet."

• Sneak a raw egg into bed during sex, then throw the egg against a wall when you climax. Color her impressed!

• Google "Venice, Italy." Print out a series of photos of Venice that you find. Make a collage board and give it to her. If she asks if you two are going to Venice, tell her yes but hide the damn collage board at your earliest opportunity. Stupid idea!

• Ask her to marry you. If she says yes, get married, live a long happy life with her and raise two beautiful children in the process. If she says no, continue whatever you're doing, champ.

• Present to her flowers stuck in your pee hole.

• Go to the grocery store to make your own homemade "Edible Arrangements" bouquet. Fight off the flies and gnats as you hand deliver that sticky, dripping, disgusting mess to her workplace. Get defensive if the receptionist asks if you want to see her. Notice how the receptionist actually has some pretty sexy legs...

• Eat shit and die (Milo Yiannopoulos only)

A Sunday Non-Drive

The wife went to South Jersey on Sunday, leaving me to run one errand– but without the car– so I hoofed it for a mile along Springfield Avenue like a goddamned hobo. Here's some of what I saw that day:

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Sol Goode

You know what the worst kind of "bad" movie is? The kind that isn't so bad that you can revel in its awfulness. The kind of lazily competent film that avoids camp and kitsch but never aspires to becoming anything memorable. "Sol Goode" is that kind of "bad" movie: a frustratingly terrible film that simply goes through the motions and never surprises you.

Well, maybe the only surprise in this whole schmear is that so many fairly famous stars had nothing else to do those few weeks of shooting.









































The following 2 minute clip pretty much tells you all you need to know about this movie and its comedic stylings:






















I'm guessing they were going for "Swingers" meets "When Harry Met Sally." And they ended up with "punch in the mouth" meets "scabies."

Overall grade: F