Yet Even More Selections From The Sharper Image Catalog

Click to enlarge and read:

 

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

The EADJ Pun Police: Riot Cop Edition

Hoo boy. They're a lot of them out there, Chad. We better stand shoulder to shoulder like Capt. Wilson said we should. Man, there's a lot of them. Here they come.

'"Once A Pawn A Time?' Whoa, pretty bad. But harmless, really. That horse looks like it's blowing the king, though. Back behind the barricades, please."

"'The steaks have been raised.' That doesn't make any sense. Pretty lazy copywriting there. Come here, you!"

*Body checks with riot shield, sprays with mace*

"I don't know if you can read this past your riot helmet, but it says 'BEETS DON'T KALE MY VIBE.' That is OUT OF LINE, mister!"

*Hurls canister of tear gas into the middle, mounts a horse*

"Oh man. Really?"

*Shoot dead*

"Oh my God. There are too many of them. THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THEM!!!! Back the line up! We're losing the line in the crowd! Holy shit, push them back! PUSH THEM BACK!!! They've taken the horses! Those fences are useless! Oh God, they're taking down the telephone poles! RETREAT! Throw everything you got at them, but pull back, goddammit, PULL BACK! Where's my radio? Duncan, use your radio to... OH GOD, DUNCAN! So many... HOLD THE LINE ON THE LEFT, IF YOU CAN!!!! MAKE A... They're throwing bottles now! Shields! Oh God oh God oh God..."

I Think This Counts As A "Turkey."

Picture above, a very rare photo taken on the NJ Transit train: 3 people in a row reading PRINTED BOOKS.

So How Did "The Suburbans" Do?

The EADJ Crappinuum has always been the most accurate way to gauge how bad a movie is. The mere fact that it appears on this measure indicates that it falls somewhere between "terrible" and "fucking piss-awful."

"The Suburbans" is one of those movies that leans a little more towards just "terrible" because of the following reasons:

• pretty good production values

• a discernible plot

• not terrible performances (except for the director/writer/main actor/caterer)

Everything else is a solid strike against the movie, from being unfunny, unconvincing, poorly paced, to worst of all, wasting the comedic talents of some solid stars. Oh, and a major strike for not getting Jennifer Love Hewitt to flash her snoobs.

UAG

EADJ Fashion Roundup

 

Overburdened by two heavy black bags? Why not pass the burden on to two four inch heels? Fuck 'em.

 

 What's crazier than cutting off your ear and sending it to a prostitute? That tie.

 

 

 So this guy is not only riding on the train, he's wearing a jacket with a patch WITH A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT.

 

A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. Oops. That overflowed onto this one. This girl wore such a short skirt to Panera Bread, the rolls nearby rose from the yeast.

 

Click on this photo to enlarge. Now look at that woman's expression. Exactly, lady.

 

If you're gonna be top-heavy with a bag and sweater on top of six inch heels in the subway, hell yeah, you better stand in the center of the platform.

 

Obama. AC/DC. Together. Finally. For some reason. Now.

 

"Doug, since you're going to such an important meeting, you really should wear that nice suit. And we're not talking just one ponytail cinch. This is a big meeting, so wear two to really dress up."

 

Rome reople really rink rey ran ralk raround Rew Rork Rity ressed rike Raggy rom Rooby-Doo, rut rey are rerribly ristaken. Eh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!

 

 "Where's the other pink armadillo-and-radiator sock to match this pink armadillo-and-radiator sock? Fuck it, I'll wear black socks, but it won't look right."

A Sunday Non-Drive

The wife went to South Jersey on Sunday, leaving me to run one errand– but without the car– so I hoofed it for a mile along Springfield Avenue like a goddamned hobo. Here's some of what I saw that day:

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Sol Goode

You know what the worst kind of "bad" movie is? The kind that isn't so bad that you can revel in its awfulness. The kind of lazily competent film that avoids camp and kitsch but never aspires to becoming anything memorable. "Sol Goode" is that kind of "bad" movie: a frustratingly terrible film that simply goes through the motions and never surprises you.

Well, maybe the only surprise in this whole schmear is that so many fairly famous stars had nothing else to do those few weeks of shooting.









































The following 2 minute clip pretty much tells you all you need to know about this movie and its comedic stylings:






















I'm guessing they were going for "Swingers" meets "When Harry Met Sally." And they ended up with "punch in the mouth" meets "scabies."

Overall grade: F