Say Goodbye To Some Straw Men In Marketing!

Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

"Woke bank" LOL

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories From InfoWars

 

Hey, you're stupid, right? So that means you probably listen to Alex Jones over at InfoWars and buy into whatever dumb, peremptory conspiracy narrative he vomits into the airwaves. If so, you're in luck! Because the head writers at InfoWars have deigned to share with EADJ some of their upcoming storylines. Enjoy!

• Everyone working at PetSmart is actually a pet for the real owners of the company, THE LIZARD PEOPLE

• When you say "bless you" to someone who sneezes, what you're really doing is an incantation spell to invoke Azathoth, ruler of the Outer Gods!

• 01000101 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100111 01110011 00100000 01100010 01110010 01100001 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101111 01101110 01101100 01101001 01101110 01100101

• Minnie Mouse is really just Mickey Mouse from another timeline in drag

• Donald Duck is really just Daisy Duck from the future in drag

• City sewer workers tag your poop and give the information to the census to calculate how much corn you eat

• Scott Baio has been blacklisted from Hollywood not because of his political views but because he still parts his hair down the center

• Monsanto has engineered a seed that cannot grow into anything. It looks remarkably like a rock.

• The Portuguese moon base is falling apart, but you haven't heard about it because Portugal's NASA controls everything past the Earth's atmosphere

Crumpled, Fat, Hispanic Vince

Or just crumpled, Hispanic David Estoye.

An Open Letter To the Band Train From The Gulf of Mexico

Wassup fellas. How's it going. It's me, the Gulf of Mexico.

Listen, you already have thousands of fans who tell you you're the best and all that, but I think you need to hear this from the ninth largest body of water in the world for it to really sink in:

You guys fucking suck.

No, wait. Before you dismiss me as simply a "hater" or that I'm "jealous of your success" or that over half of my basin is comprised of "shallow intertidal waters," just hear me out.

You came out with "Drops of Jupiter" in 2000 with that song "Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)," and that was a musical suckerpunch to the eardrums. Your lead singer (I'm not Googling it, dammit) has a voice so piercing and annoying that it caused my tides to recede from Florida for a whole month that the song was in rotation. But I guess the Grammy you won that year for Best Rock Song just encouraged you.

Not content being a one hit wonder, in 2003 you came out with "Calling All Angels," which I can't remember was attached to some shitty Kate Hudson movie or not, but it might as well have been.

Well, it's 2010, and you've raped our ears with another one. Fuckin' "Hey Soul Sister," which I have to say has the most annoying opening vocals I've ever heard. And this time, the song is inescapable: if it's not playing on the radio, it's in some horrible commercial for Samsung TVs.



That shit makes me wish for a tsunami near wherever you guys are playing.


I know what you're thinking: why am I bothering with you guys when I obviously have way bigger problems of my own, like maybe THE WORST OIL SPILL IN U.S. HISTORY. That goddamned BP pipe is spilling over 210,000 barrels a day into my waters. The oil spill could severely damage my fragile ecosystems for years, possibly decades. My beaches will be very difficult to clean up, and just as shorebirds are nesting and sea turtles are coming ashore to lay their eggs this season. And I'm concerning myself with some shitty has-been 00's pop band?


Well, I gotta do something while I'm waiting for BP to drill the two relief wells to contain the leak. I know, it's try #7, but what the fuck else am I going to do but listen to the radio?

Okay, I'm through yelling at you fuckers. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some letters to write to Lifehouse and Switchfoot.

Supreme Omelet Taquito UPDATE

You know, Mr. Graffiti Artist, I knew what you drew even without the caption. But thanks.

Big sigh of relief.

Joel lucked out this week. Big time.

First, he lost over $15,000 to Michael Vick in Atlanta at some "dog competition." But when he went to his car to write a check, the police busted into the Vick mansion and arrested everyone. Score!

Joel then found himself the winner of a new Porsche 4-door Panamera for being the 100th caller at KROQ. The sleek, 18-foot long monstrosity boasts a V8 engine, CD player and cup holders!

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough was cleaning the crawlspace and uncovered an ancient Mayan artifact that makes time stop. So not only does the artifact give Joel free rein at the Perkin's Family Restaurant buffet, it also provided Joel with a great idea for his next terrible screenplay! But where's the love interest?

And it was pure dumb luck that kept Joel from eating the tainted dick left in his refrigerator crisper. It had been contaminated with some poon tang earlier in the week and could have caused some serious gastric events in Joel's delicate consitution. Lucky lucky!

(pictured above, some weird shit that Jessica cobbled together)