The Newest Added Perks For AMC Stubs Members

Movie theatre juggernaut AMC has a rewards program called Stubs that many in the industry are calling "the best fucking goddamn rewards program ever". Here are the latest additions to the ever-growing loyalty program:

• Hot towels for everyone who says they're with you

• Unlimited use of the lemur costume

• Unlimited free nachos refill any time from 3:52pm to 3:53pm

• We'll cover for you if you cheat on your spouse here

• Special air conditioning vent directed toward your crotch

• Exclusive concession only for Stubs members: ONE GIANT RAISINET instead of a bunch of little ones

UAG

10 Burning Questions For the Interior Decorator of A Porn Movie

1) What the hell, did you rob a Spencer's Gifts?

2) No, seriously. Why does it look like a nouveau-riche dorm room?

3) Worse yet, is that possibly someone's house and they purposely decorated it like that?

4) Why would you pick bright, garish colors? Wouldn't that detract from all the engorged genitals?

5) Why is the couch pleather... never mind. I know the answer to that one.

6) The whole thing vaguely resembles a set from one of those Nickelodeon sitcoms, which is 1000% creepy. Was that the goal?

7) Does the Mondrian estate know about the knockoff paintings on the back wall?

8) Can I use your bathroom?

9) How can you tell when it's really the pizza delivery guy knocking?

10) To repeat question 1, WHAT THE HELL?

Somehow, Some Way, Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Velvet Soft Bathroom Tissue

Label: Strange green velvet stolen from the hair salon in Oz.

Feels Like: Being entered by the Scarecrow.

Brand: Gigantic silent label-less spool

Label: None. It just stares at you like it understands your soul.

Feels Like: The end of "2001: A Space Odyssey," but on your asshole.

Brand: Embassy

Label: "Classy" marbleized texture with some stately block letters.

Feels Like: You're not going to find asylum here.

Brand: Terrifying waxy orange no-name

Label: Blank, waxy orange paper that smells vaguely of a seance.

Feels Like: Wiping with ectoplasm, if ectoplasm were cheaply manufactured and rough on your bunghole.

Brand: Target "Up & Up" Bath Tissue

Label: An optimistic red arrow points at some cotton plants on the moon.

Feels Like: A thong made of brambles and retail coupons.

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BONUS DISCUSSION: Mor-Soft 500 Vs. Mor-Soft 1000: Which One Is Right For You?

By now, most of you have encountered the wildly famous Mor-Soft 500 brand toilet paper when taking a dump at a strip club or a AAA hockey game, but did you know that there is also the Mor-Soft 1000 brand toilet paper, by the same manufacturer? This special section is designed to help you choose which of these is right for you.

• Do you have to poop?

            ✓ Mor-Soft 500

            ✓ Mor-Soft 1000

• Do you have Arithmophobia, the fear of numbers?

               Mor-Soft 500

              Mor-Soft 1000

• Does your ass prefer even numbers?

            ✓ Mor-Soft 500

            ✓ Mor-Soft 1000

• Does 1000 feel really excessive, when 500 will do?

           ✓  Mor-Soft 500

               Mor-Soft 1000

• Does 500 just not do it for you, but 1000 really finishes the job?

               Mor-Soft 500

            ✓ Mor-Soft 1000

Feel free to clip out this handy guide and put it in your wallet! Preparation is key.

OMG! JERALD JOHNSON MAKES CONTACT!!!

In a move that will send shockwaves throughout the online community and blogosphere, EADJ is proud to report that the elusive Jerald Johnson has not only recently contacted Tom Weingard, but David Estoye as well.


And not only has he added me as a friend, he has requested that I fill in a section called "The best thing about Jerald is..."


Here's what I wrote:

"If you were to ask me the best thing about Jerald Johnson, I would say it is that the man is stylish. Even when mopping a tile patio (an extremely rare thing in New York, United States) he has enough sense of style to pop the collar of his Structure polo shirt. I mean, just because you have to do menial labor doesn't mean you can't be pimpin, too. And judging from the photo, he is thorough enough in his task to sweep beforehand. Jerald is one severely neat dude."

HOLY SHNIKEE!

THIS JUST IN: I JUST GOT A FRIEND REQUEST FROM "DORIS!"

SHE WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW A DORIS!!!!

WOW, I WONDER HOW SHE GOT MY NAME??? MAYBE A MUTUAL FRIEND? LIKE THE DRUMMER FOR SUPRA-GENIUS?


NAHHHHH!!



Approved!