The ProofrEADJer: End of February Edition

Time To Say Goodbye To Stuff in Ads!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Adios! Goodbye!

Say 'Hello Again' To Communications That Tell You To Say Goodbye To Something!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Bye-bye! Goodbye!

Bruce Willis Still Can't Believe He's In Movies

"What? We're finishing this trilogy now? Okay, I guess."

"If you told me 10 years ago I'd be in a movie with THE Cole Hauser, I wouldn't believe you."

"Okay, I put the hat on. You happy? Where's my paycheck?"

"Mark-Paul Gosselaar? Okay, sharing billing with Zack Morris from 'Saved By The Bell' is all you need to know about my film career now."

"Do you want me to look intense over here, or..."

"... over here? I can do both. Heck, use one each for a different movie– I don't give a shit."

The EADJ Lost Weave Report

Editor's note: The EADJ Lost Weave Report is a periodic run-down of errant, unclaimed hair weaves and hair-like objects that are found around the tri-state area. This is our first report:

Location: Walgreens, Union, NJ

Weave Spotted: Clump of hair with piece of leaf and part of toothpick

Action Taken: Put in envelope, mailed to Ashley Olsen (not Mary-Kate)

Location: The Prudential Building, Newark, NJ

Weave Spotted: Mass of spindly hair rolling on the sidewalk, also possible string

Action Taken: Given a stern lecture on loitering. Sent to the library to look for work

Location: On steps of subway, Financial District, NYC

Weave Spotted: Possible rat remains tangled with lollipop wrapper and stick

Action Taken: Sold it $45 million in credit default swaps against various vulnerable subprime deals

Location: Golden Corral parking lot, Frederick, MD

Weave Spotted: Clipped ponytail or piece of dream catcher

Action Taken: Brought back into Golden Corral, dropped into the New England Clam Chowder

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Door Organizer Was Skeptical.

Door Organizer was skeptical.

So were Two Hand Towels On The Oven.

Lightbulb Packs couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Combination De-Icer/Scraper just got back from Monsters University.

Coffee Machine at Dunkin Donuts shed a red tear.

Building on 44th Street just winked and smiled.

The Glory. The Pageantry. The Pathmark.

The ProofrEADJer, Patriotic July the 4th Edition

Foreigners and immigrants can't spell for shit! USA! USA! USA!

Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "Hair Styler" kiosk in the Newbury Mall in Carlton, DE did while working on April 20, 2013:

 

 

• giggled while thinking about Michelle Obama's hairdo before the bangs

• gave two lost shoppers directions to the public restrooms

• fantasized about actor Bruce Greenwood again

• tried to use the word "y'all" in a sales pitch- to disastrous effect

The following is an accurate account of what Todd, attendant at the Radio Kontrol Fantasies kiosk in Jembry Mall in Jembry, AK did while working on April 26, 2013:

 

 • texted Elmer about the tooth

• left a voicemail with Elmer, asking about the tooth

• sent Elmer an email with the subject line "re: the tooth?????"

The following is an accurate account of what Monica S, attendant at the "Braid That Shit" kiosk in the Yancey Mall in Willowville, MD did while working on the afternoon of April 27, 2013:
 

 

• counted the hours till she could masturbate again

• made a mental note to get party hats

• gave the finger to little children when their parents weren't looking

• sneaked a few Corn Pops from her drawer

The following is an accurate account of what Dominic, attendant at the "Super Cell" kiosk in Annapolis Mall in Annapolis, MD did while working on April 30, 2013:

 

 

• counted that goddamn money like it was his

• fanned himself with $400 like he was a playa

• wondered what Nicole would say if she could see him now

• tried to hide his erection from passers by

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "La Parfumerie" kiosk in the Trenton Shopping Center in Dovetail, MS did while working on May 3, 2013:

 

• OH SHIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO WORK TODAY

 

The following is an accurate account of what Kaitlyn, attendant at the "Drive and Talk" kiosk in the Massé Shopping Mall in Los Elenas, CA did while working on May 7, 2013:

 

• picked her ass out of her thong

• smelled her fingers after picking the thong out of her ass

• searched for Purel

The following is an accurate account of what Mathilde and Céline, attendantes at the "Candie Hoo Hoo" kiosk in the Waisyll Mall in Quebec, Canada did while working on May 13, 2013: 

 

• called their universal healthcare provider to make sure their information was up to date

• resumed that eternal debate about milk chocolate versus dark chocolate

• discussed Lumiere from "Beauty and the Beast"

• compared/adjusted their bras

• conjugated irregular verbs for the hell of it

The following is an accurate account of what Dark Raven, attendant at the unnamed iPhone case kiosk in the Maxie's Shopping Center in Milwaukee, WI did while working on May 21, 2013:  

 

• wrote more bad goth poetry

• conjured a malignancy curse against her parents and that new asshole substitute teacher

• beat her score on Subway Surfers

• planned her suicide on the new Wunderlist app

The following is an accurate account of what Gilhük, attendant at the Centrum+ Zdravi kiosk in the Gukksenschaverhaalmaart in Dresden, Germany did while working on May 25, 2013: 

 

• tillhöpped the fluggenschiedder

• Îngenhappfed the übersvekkenungenst

• åchfreigged her Brachenschioostentrakenskrågger

The following is an accurate account of what Misti and Kristi, attendants at the "Baked Kindness" kiosk in the Mall of Southern Maine in Bangor, ME will do while working on May 29, 2013: 

 

• bitch about not getting to sit on stools

• make lame jokes with the word "bundt"

• vomit at separate times, although neither of them is bulimic

• pretend to be besties even though they hate each other

• discuss pets and the need for them

• play that game that guys play where you make the other person look at the ring you made with your fingers and then fuck their boyfriend when they're out of town... that's how the game goes, right?