Spotted at CVS

A Wonder Woman mask that accompanies a coloring and activity book.

At closer inspection, however, it appears that Diana's long goddess hair has been cropped into a sensible, professional bob. And now she looks like a temp.

UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Fight Winter Allergies

It's winter and the air outdoors is crisp and pollen-free. But make sure the air indoors is just as clean to prevent allergies:

1) Make sure you store any firewood outside, to keep mold and pollen where it belongs.

2) Dust and dust mites thrive because of your heating system. Professional cleaners can give your ducts a clean bill of health. Change heat system filters at least once a month.

3) When it's very cold outside, keep your face covered. Going from very cold air to very warm indoor air can trigger an asthma attack.

And speaking of attacks, if you're ever in a relationship that's physically abusive, hire my limo service, get in the car, lock the door, and I'll drive you the hell out of that situation. For free. Be safe kids.

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of January 6

The following Twitter hashtags have been determined to be the least influential of the week- not going viral, not creating buzz, and certainly not trending. Feel free to use any of these on your non-influential Twitter feeds!

#bangshortbus

#crackpipecoozy

#carrottopsecondact

#collegetextbookbargains

#crackerasscrackercracker

#ablowjobfromGaryBusey

#FullHousebingewatching

#childprotectiveservicesselfie

#StPaulisthecenteroftheuniverse

#GeorgeClooneywasthebestBatman

#hereismysocialsecuritynumber457-55-5462

The Very First ProofrEADJer/ EADJ Mail Sack Combo Entry

This was sent in by Chris Stoltz by email:

"Of course, this is Alabama. So this may be phonetically correct."

UAG

An Imagined Conversation

"Hi. Welcome to CVS."
"Hello, I'd like to return a gift."
"Sure. The Discovery Kids Eco-Friendly Color Me Rocketship?"
"Yes."
"Was the toy not to your satisfaction, ma'am?"
"Not so much that. I didn't actually open it."
"Oh. Then what is the problem? It can't be the color. You have to color it yourself!"
"Ha ha. No, it's not that. It's just that I realized I'd purchased a twenty dollar box."
"Well, it's more than that, ma'am. Look here on the front. It 'provides endless hours of imaginative play.' It features a 'crawl-thru porthole.' It measures 5 feet long, sets up quickly, and is made from recycled materials."
"It's a box."
"Sure, but it's whatever your child would like it to be."
"Uh huh. And why did they even bother packaging it in another box?"
"I don't know, ma'am. I don't work for Discovery Kids."
"A box in another box. Who's to say the box it comes in doesn't also provide 'endless hours of imaginative play?'"
"Who says it doesn't?"
"Are you getting smart with me (reads nametag), Gordon?"
"I don't think so, ma'am."
"Just give me my twenty dollars back."
(gives money back)
"Thanks. Now, where's your dumpster, Gordon? I need a box about yay big."

Goddammit

Let's suppose for a second that every time you said "Goddammit," that God would literally damn the thing to Hell that you just cursed. Here now is a short (and incomplete) list of things that He would now have damned for eternity:

• 4,893 bottles of Purell that didn't dispense properly
• 7,355,281,722 screen doors
• 89,477,162,976,933,800,323,713 barking dogs
• The Wall Street Journal
• the stop sign on the northeast corner of 510 N Oak Street, Searcy, Arkansas
• this blog
• Perry Ferrell
• 92 Dunkin Donuts stores
• 4,177 Dunkin Donuts employees
• taffeta fabric
• Phish
• 8,184,302,899 shelving units
• Ralph Nader
• the word "crevasse"
• 93,017,843,822,840,398,541,275,362,707,398,886,224 nails that didn't get hammered straight into a board
• Internet Explorer
• people who don't like the latest season of "The Simpsons"
• the shift button on 6,922,479 computer keyboards
• that Details photoshoot where Alex Rodriguez made like he was kissing himself
• The steps of the Statue of Liberty
• YOU

A Note the Wife Left

Step 1: Get a slip of paper
Step 2: Find a pen
Step 3: Write a note
Step 4: Crack open the dishwasher door
Step 5: Put pen back

OR

Step 1: Empty the goddamn dishwasher



Here's one that John Reid left: