Say Goodbye To Some Shit!

 

Good-bye! Goodbye! So long! Goodbye! Goodbye!

A Couple of Examples of a Confusing Format

From DoorDash:

Just check the box to say yes, NO PICKLES.

From a chart explaining different bundle packages for "The Division 2" video game:

Wait, do the bundles with the X's have the content listed, or do the X's mean they don't have the content listed?

Dramatic Interpretation of the Descriptions on the Trim Men Personal Care Grooming Set

The other day we noticed that the descriptions of the items included in the Trim Men Personal Care Set were written rather heroically. Here now are the unspoken movie taglines that accompany each descriptor:

Nail Clipper: Cut nails into an oval shape. SQUARE NAILS NEVER HAD A CHANCE.

Toenail Clipper: Start at one side and cut straight across to prevent ingrown toenails. INGROWN TOENAILS, THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE.

Personal Care Scissors: Rounded edges makes cutting nose, ear or facial hair quick and easy. SUDDENLY BEING HAIRY ISN'T SCARY.

Sapphire File: Hold file at a 45 degree angle and file in one direction only. HER NAME WAS SAPPHIRE. BUT SHE DIDN'T SWING BOTH WAYS.

Comb: Use to style hair. (stet)

Storage Case: Great for travel. FROM BETHLEHEM, PENNSYLVANIA TO NAZARETH, PENNSYLVANIA, THIS CASE WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.

 

Starbucks Announces New Ground Coffee Blend Brands

For years now, Starbucks has sold special house brands of coffee blends at their locations for home brewing. Top selling titles like Gold Coast Blend and Rwanda Hingakawa bring the Starbucks brand in the home and provide a more personal alternative to the coffeeshop experience.

Here now are some new coffee blend labels that Starbucks is releasing later this year:

• Kentucky Sour Mash Coffee

• St. Louis Racial Unrest-accino

• Professor Fartfuck's Cuntin' Dinglecockring Pussyslappers

• Brooklyn Old Jew Blend

• Cleveland LeGround James

• San Antonio Tex-Mex Spicy Espresso

• Austin Weirdo Soap-Flakes-And-Glitter Decaf Blend

• Gotham Dead Parents Hazelnut

• Las Vegas Dark Regret

7 Movie Ideas Based On The Titles From The "Partz" Section of "Thunder Press" Magazine

The much anticipated May 2016 issue of motorcycle mag "Thunder Press" is out, and not surprisingly, the major Hollywood studios, having run completely out of movie ideas, have pounced on the latest issue's regular segment "Partz: All The Things You Can't Do Without" for script ideas for future releases (and possible franchise opportunities). 

Here are the latest green-lit movies already in development:

"Kicked-back Comfort" starring Caitriona Balfe, Alexander Skarsgård and Idris Elba. Directed by Lee Daniels.

A drama/romance set in a lazy small Kentucky town in the the 1930s. A girl from the city (Balfe) traveling to California gets stuck in the town of Comfort and meets a grouchy but mysterious mechanic (Skarsgård), only to fall in love with his co-worker (Elba).  Scoot McNairy plays the racist mayor's son (who is also racist).

"The Hot Setup" starring Kevin Hart, Chadwick Boseman, and Gabrielle Union. Directed by Tim Story.

A small-time hustler (Hart) and his by-the-book cousin (Boseman) get thrown into an international web of intrigue when a CIA agent (Union) leaves a valuable attache in their car. This action-packed urban romp also stars Gary Sinise, Pierce Brosnan, Mark Harmon, and Mel Gibson as CIA/Mi6 agents desperate to get their hands on that package!

"Finished Fins" starring Jason Sudeikis, Glenn Howerton, and Ken Jeong. Directed by Todd Phillips.

Three unlucky boaters on a fishing vacation get more than they bargained for when reports of a meteor crashing to Earth threatens to wipe out humanity. Is it a real threat or a giant hoax? Also starring Jeffrey Tambor as the park ranger. Cameos by Wolf Blitzer and Meghan Kelly.

"Ride The Snake" starring Danny Trejo, Dolph Lundgren and Sienna Miller. Directed by Peter Berg.

A Wyoming horse ranch gets over-run by giant mutant snakes. The two co-owners (Trejo and Lundgren) make the best of the situation and invent a new rodeo sport. Also starring Sam Waterston as the racist mayor.

"Packing A Pair" starring Kat Dennings, Sofia Vergara, Christina Hendricks, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Scarlett Johansson, and Salma Hayek. Two rival lingerie companies fight over their stake in the local wet t-shirt contest before a sexy, slow motion earthquake hits the town. Directed by Adrian Lyne.

"Retro Chic" starring Zooey Deschanel, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Jerry O'Connell. The hipster capital of Williamsburg, Brooklyn somehow hosts this year's NY Fashion Week, and it's up to an unstylish fashion intern (Taylor-Johnson) and his big brother (O'Connell) to make it the greatest show EVER! Zooey Deschanel plays the quirky hipster fashionista who comes to their aid. Also starring Madonna as Anna Wintour.

"Grab 'N' Go" starring Brad Pitt, Josh Brolin, Saoirse Ronan and Jason Segel. Directed by Neal Brennan.

The employees of the failing convenience store Grab 'N' Go win the lottery, but the TICKET IS STOLEN by the rival strip mall employees across the street! The gang teams up with the guys at the car dealership nearby to reclaim their prize and bring prosperity to their shitty store. Also starring Jeremy Piven as the racist mayor.

"On the Down Low" starring Jennifer Lawrence, Will Ferrell, Ed Helms, and Don Cheadle.

This scathing account of the financial derivatives market (in the vein of "The Big Short") will outrage and appall you. If only you could understand what the hell is going on. Also starring that Hodor guy as a security guard or something.