UAG

Dramatic Interpretation of the Descriptions on the Trim Men Personal Care Grooming Set

The other day we noticed that the descriptions of the items included in the Trim Men Personal Care Set were written rather heroically. Here now are the unspoken movie taglines that accompany each descriptor:

Nail Clipper: Cut nails into an oval shape. SQUARE NAILS NEVER HAD A CHANCE.

Toenail Clipper: Start at one side and cut straight across to prevent ingrown toenails. INGROWN TOENAILS, THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE.

Personal Care Scissors: Rounded edges makes cutting nose, ear or facial hair quick and easy. SUDDENLY BEING HAIRY ISN'T SCARY.

Sapphire File: Hold file at a 45 degree angle and file in one direction only. HER NAME WAS SAPPHIRE. BUT SHE DIDN'T SWING BOTH WAYS.

Comb: Use to style hair. (stet)

Storage Case: Great for travel. FROM BETHLEHEM, PENNSYLVANIA TO NAZARETH, PENNSYLVANIA, THIS CASE WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.

 

What The Woman On the Insta-Screen Bug Screen Box Is Thinking

• One sip of this poisoned tea, motherfucker, and I will be free of you forever.

• Yeah, yeah. Juliette Binoche. I get that a lot.

• My mouth is smiling, but my eyes are shooting daggers through this cheap, Chinese-made bug screen.

• Scientology has made my life bearable, especially since achieving OT VII.

• Sure, drop your kid off for a playdate with my kids. It's not like I'm a babysitter or anything.

• SUN DRIED TOMATOES ON EVERYTHING

• There are not enough blogs out that that have lasted over 10 years.

At Long, Long Last, A New EADJ Crappinema Entry: "Testing The Limits" (NSFW)

Hey remember when we introduced this movie and promised to have a Crappinema entry posted "soon"? Yeah, that was almost THREE YEARS ago. Good Lord.

Well, we finally finished watching and making snarky remarks about this movie. And there is no way that this will be worth the wait, but here goes. And please remember, this is the first time we've reviewed smut, so careful at work with this:

The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene: 

David: Your skin is like the finest white chocolate. So smooth and flawless. Have I ever told you how adorable this little mole is right here?

Kristin: You did.

David: Well, it is. The way you smell, the way you taste… You overwhelm me.

(CUE TITS)

David: Mmm… Iʼm addicted to your breasts. And these tiny blonde hairs that lead all the way down to that perfect patch of pubic hair?

The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene: 

David: Howdy! Iʼm David.

Mike: Hi. Can I help you?

David: Uh, Iʼm looking for Kristen Glass. I told her I might surprise her this weekend. Sheʼs my… weʼll sheʼs an old friend of mine.

Mike: Um, sheʼs not feeling well. Sheʼs upstairs asleep.

David: Oh.

Glen: Hi. Glen Powell.

David: Hey, Glen. David, old friend of Kristenʼs.

Glen: Ah, Kristen, a great girl. You know, Mike, I think Iʼm finally in love.

David: She didnʼt tell me she was seeing anyone.

Glen: You know, you meet someone, and after one night, you just know youʼre made for each other?

David: Yeah. I know that feeling very well. Iʼm sorry to hear sheʼs not feeling well. Tell her I stopped by, will ya?

Mike: Sure. Gʼbye.

David: Listen, Iʼve been driving for about 10 hours. If i get back in that car, Iʼll be out like a light within a mile. Would you mind if I just rest a little before I head back out?

Glen: No, of course not. Thatʼs fine.

David: Hey, I got all the makings for grilled salmon. Why donʼt I make you lunch?

Glen: Wow, salmon sounds great, man. Iʼm starving!

Mike: That…that… that really isnʼt necessary.

David: No! Itʼll go to waste otherwise. I donʼt mind. I really enjoy it.

Glen: You know, I think the girls would like that, too.

Mike: Iʼm going to be in the garage.

Overall grade: F