Happy New Year from Eat A Dick Joel!

Do we have any New Year's resolutions? Sure. Here are a few:

• More awareness

• Being more in touch with ourselves

• Being more present in our own and others' lives

• Practicing humility and mindfulness

• Engaging more and promoting wellness

• Having more awareness of our mindfulness

• Showing gratitude for not having Pewter Bear around anymore

Fucking hell. We managed to be free of this pewter motherfucker for a literal DECADE and that glorious record has been ruined. Great way to start off the new year. Fucking fucking FUCK. God DAMMIT.

A Couple of Examples of a Confusing Format

From DoorDash:

Just check the box to say yes, NO PICKLES.

From a chart explaining different bundle packages for "The Division 2" video game:

Wait, do the bundles with the X's have the content listed, or do the X's mean they don't have the content listed?

Just Confirming...

"Lifestyle" is a dildo, right? It's definitely a dildo.

 

To The Guy Leaning With His Full Back On the Pole in the Subway

Hey.

Wassup man.

Look, this subway car is kind of getting crowded, and I since neither of us could find a seat, it looks like we're both in the same boat (or same subway train, to be literal LOL!).

But seriously. This train makes some pretty sharp turns and unexpected, jerky stops, so maybe if you could get that pole from between your butt cheeks, I could grab onto something to steady myself. No, not your butt cheeks- I wanted to grab the pole. Don't flatter yourself. I'm like, married.

It's really irritating that you're so lazy that you have to slump against a subway pole like that. Plus, it really leaves a poor impression on the ladies that you don't carry yourself a certain way. Who knows; maybe you're gay? Well, it still applies to impressing the fellows.

And I guess you're not an avid reader of this blog, because an old July entry from 2007 sort of covered this topic already.


But in all seriousness, fucking move.

Choo choo choo choo, Nikki Train, comin' through!

(pictured above, Drunk? Check. Cutter? Check. Abandoned rehab? Check)

Drunk or Happy.

(pictured above, Toddman5000 and Nikki Baker, as shot by Annie Leibowitz at Gage, June 20, 2007)

John Hederdick Joel

Hamachi uni tekkamaki. Maguro hirame unagi ikura kazunoko. Hirame hotate tobiko sake tako seigo sayori. Usuzukuri sashimi wasabi yakitori torigai. Kurabota sunomono, tataki saba udon ebi kani chirashi. Takuwan goma ae gari kani don otaru shiro tekkyu ninjin? Nasu gobo shisonomi siitake kappa horenso maki.

Takuwan nasu kyuri kanpyo tobiko saba maguro ika– natto takuwan futomaki kani kai hamachi.

(Pictured above, J'Net is shocked by the futomaki offerings, much to Jessica's concern)

Dick is Why I'm Hot

Finding new ways to eat dick is always challenging. Especially free dick. But earlier this week Joel devised a plan to do just that.

Joel took a job at a Costco in Palo Alto as a "sampler," one of those clerks who hand out free samples of Go-Gurt® or Cracklin' Oat Bran® to shoppers. But Joel was smart enough to set his station up by the dog food pallettes in the back, allowing him to offer "a little extra" with every sample to male shoppers.

With only three days into his new job, Joel has successfully eaten 87 dicks gratis. He's not moving product so much as consuming it, if you catch our meaning, wah wah wah. Way to go, Joel!

(pictured above, Herr Crisman wishes everyone "Bis Morgen DDR" from a German television station in the 70's)

Welcome to the club, Pat Hanna (yet another SFVOSP entry)

Pat Hanna also saw Mr. Wood this morning. He also claims to have seen a slightly older, foreign version of Todd Crisman. He claims "vaguely French."

Pat joins pretty much the entire agency at the bottom of this page.

(pictured above, R. Kelly is 2 Slim Jims away from a total transformation)