What If The NJ Transit Survey People Were Trees?

I know it's been a while since we've covered this venerated group. And I know there are a lot of you who have been wondering, "if those six people had been born as different types of trees, what would they be?" Well, wait no more for an answer, for here it is, dendrophiles, a guide from EADJ in association with the National Park Service:

1) "Jesse"

Jesse is solid, reliable, and strong. But maybe a bit boring. And probably not around when things start to cool down, so not an evergreen. Jesse would be a Big Leaf Maple.

2) "Jess"

This one is easy. With flailing limbs, slender build and impressive height, Jesse would easily be a Weeping Willow. You go, Jess!

3) "Angie"

Now, I know you're expecting us to just make her a bush because she's just a floating head, LOL blah blah blah. But you're not seeing the true nature of Angie: sensible, sensitive and more than a little tired of people's "guff." Slight but strong. That's Angie. And that's the Ohio Buckeye.

4) "Trina"

Shapely. Flirtatious. Lecherous. Widely cultivated as a flowering ornamental throughout the temperate world. Yep, that's Trina. A Staghorn Sumac if I ever saw one.

5) "Don With The Thumbs"

With outer branches that are often pendulous with curled tips, the Horse Chestnut was the first and only contender for dear Don. Also, what has two thumbs and has seed extract used for its venotonic effect, vascular protection, anti-inflammatory and free radical scavenging properties? This guy!

6) "Simon Peter"

Pass. That guy bores me. Shit, only one more to do? Fine. I chose Canoe Birch because it's the closest one to the word "bitch." Happy? Cool. We're done here!

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE FROM TASK CHAIR

WAKE UP, YOU LIMP-DICKED PUSSIES

TASK CHAIR IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE, AND YOU ARE A SIMPERING FUCKWAD IF YOU THINK YOU WON'T BE PRODUCTIVE UP IN THIS BITCH

GET MAD, COCKSUCKERS

TASK CHAIR HAS ALL THE ADJUSTABILITY AND COMFORT OF AN AERON CHAIR WITHOUT YOU MORTGAGING YOUR FUCKING HOUSE FOR ONE. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, IT COMES IN A CARDBOARD BOX. SO YOUR FIRST TASK IS TO PUT THAT MOTHER TOGETHER WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, YOU HESITANT FUCK.

GET YOUR TO-DO LIST READY, YOU UNPRODUCTIVE FUCK-BAGS. SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET DONE AROUND THIS DUMP.

TAKE YOUR DAD'S DICK OUT OF YOUR HAND AND ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES, CUZ TASK CHAIR WILL BE GODDAMNED IF NOTHING GETS DONE IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

Previous installment of this segment here.

"Meteor" (1979) starring Sean Connery, Natalie Wood and Karl Malden

Mackabee (played by Connery): "You shee, we're the only hope that Earth hash. We need to shuccsheed."

"Just Go With It" starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston

Tom (played by Sandler) (singing): "♫ ♪ Ah pookee dookee ping ping wabba wabba ibby ibby ibby ibby ibby WHOOAAAHOOOOGAAAHHH waggle naggle taggle baggle bag-a-bag-a POCK POCK! ♫ ♪"

Jennifer Aniston (to camera): "It's a paycheck. Shut up."

"The Guvnors," starring Jay Simpson, Lee Nicholas Harris and Martin Hancock

"PUT DOWN THE FOOKIN' GUN!"
"NO, YOU PUT DOWN THE FOOKIN' GUN!"
"YOU PUT DOWN THE FOOKIN' GUN!"
"NO, YOU PUT DOWN THE FOOKIN' GUN!"

The Judge" starring Robert Downey Jr and Robert Duvall

Attorney Sam Buckwell (played by Downey): "Who the hell are you to judge me?"

Judge J. Jury Judgeman (played by Duvall): "I am a judge."

Buckwell: "Oh, right."

"Fury" starring Brad Pitt, Shia Lebeouf and Logan Lerman

Commander Donald Truss (played by Pitt): "We've got to hold the line, boys. The outcome of the war depends on these four acres…Great God! Who farted? We're in close quarters in a tank here, guys. I mean really!"

Fun With Non-English Speaking People Leaving Notes On Inanimate Objects!

(pictured above, a dryer at a laundromat and a stove outside a repair shop. Both in Brooklyn)

Success!

Today the salad dressing dude (picture above) called me "Sir!"

This is what I was wearing:


MANLY!

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Stunts

Stunts wasn't the worst movie in the world. But it did suck enough to be sort of enjoyable on a masochistic level. They managed to actually touch on themes like euthanasia, the working class, the importance of teamwork, and the unspoken bond between stuntmen. We can all learn from the stuntmen.









The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Stuntman 1: (toasting with bottle of booze) To tomorrow.

Stuntman2: What's so special about tomorrow?

Stuntman 1: Nuthin', I hope. No bruises, no broken bones, no nuthin'.

Forster: If we keep making the stunts tougher, we're going to get hurt.

Stuntguy 2: Yeah. You guys heard what happened to Bobby Rogers, right? Car well run over him in a gag. So he's laying up in a hospital, he never gonna be able to talk. He's never gonna be able to walk. He's a vegetable!


Stuntman 1: In that condition, I'd just as soon push right on through to the other side.

Robert Forster: Living like that's like living dead.

Stuntman 2: Worse! You might wake up!

Stuntchick: And even worse, Bobby doesn't even have a choice.

Stuntman 2: Why don't we make a deal, man, alright? If one of us takes it in the shorts, the others pull the plug.

Robert Forster: I'm in.

Stuntman 1: Let's all agree, all along.

Stuntchick: I'm in, too.

Stuntman 1: (fumbling in his pockets) Where's my mother's rosary?

END SCENE, COMMERCIAL BREAK FOR THAT SHAMPOO THAT MAKES YOU CUM.















An accidental hit on the DVD Menu takes you to a list of their other fine DVD offerings. With no way to exit.


Hmm. Cocaine Cowboys, Carnival Story, uh huh. Not interested.


Okay, Cock Fighter with Cell Block Girls. Nice try, but no. When is this over?


Yeah, I don't want to see any of these. Hitting MENU does nothing.


Neither does fast forwarding.


Jesus. This is getting ridiculous.


...


Fucking hell. Here's pretty much when I hit EJECT.

Toss That Meat!

Okay.

This Second Life crap has to stop. Nobody cares about Second Life except geeks and people who like to play with digital dolls. We already have AIM, so why the fuck do you want to use a more convoluted, ugly, and non-intuitive way to chat online? And the fact that some dude has made some real money selling virtual real estate or the fact that some crap company has set up a virtual shop in Second Life is no longer news. Second Life fucking SUCKS. Except for the fact that a virtual Joel can eat virtual dick on it.

(Pictured above, Jessica uses her unique logic and reason to get dressed for the winter.)

ADDENDUM: This entry is not implying that Jessica goes on Second Life. It does imply that she has questionable judgment, however.