It's The Alex Jones Dumbshit Conspiracy Preview Extravaganza!

InfoWars continues its war on info as Alex Jones's staff of writers create brand new unverifiable conspiracies for him to hoarsely vomit on air. Here now are stories you can expect to see in the coming month:

• Auntie Anne is a lesbian and makes pretzels because it arouses her to twist things into knots, wink wink

• Spirit Airlines charges an extra "saved soul tax" if you're a Christian

• It must really be a bummer to be in the team that forms Voltron but only be like the left leg. How boring would that be? (not really a conspiracy, but something to think about)

• If you bowl a perfect 300 at your local bowling alley, the manager is required to send your name to the FBI to flag as a possible "bowling insurgent"

• Men who wear muttonchops are part of a secret society that drink from steins and ride recumbent bicycles. The group is called "The Embarrassing Uncles".

• If you ever find a woman's G-spot, she is required to send your name to the FBI as a possible "Female Body Inspector"

Dramatic Interpretation of the Descriptions on the Trim Men Personal Care Grooming Set

The other day we noticed that the descriptions of the items included in the Trim Men Personal Care Set were written rather heroically. Here now are the unspoken movie taglines that accompany each descriptor:

Nail Clipper: Cut nails into an oval shape. SQUARE NAILS NEVER HAD A CHANCE.

Toenail Clipper: Start at one side and cut straight across to prevent ingrown toenails. INGROWN TOENAILS, THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE.

Personal Care Scissors: Rounded edges makes cutting nose, ear or facial hair quick and easy. SUDDENLY BEING HAIRY ISN'T SCARY.

Sapphire File: Hold file at a 45 degree angle and file in one direction only. HER NAME WAS SAPPHIRE. BUT SHE DIDN'T SWING BOTH WAYS.

Comb: Use to style hair. (stet)

Storage Case: Great for travel. FROM BETHLEHEM, PENNSYLVANIA TO NAZARETH, PENNSYLVANIA, THIS CASE WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.

 

The Difference Between Paratha, Roti, Naan and Chapatis, Sponsored by Utz

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8 Fairly Recent Bruce Willis Posters, Presented In Order of Increasing Bruce Willis-ness

Movie: Vice (2012)

Bruce Willis-ness: A low, embarrassing 2. His vacant stare and loose jaw makes him look distracted by a nearby cat on the shelf licking himself. No bad-assness at all.

Movie: Vice (2015)

Bruce Willis-ness: A tepid 3. He's got the stare, but his lips aren't pursed with that sense of resolve and purpose; he almost looks constipated here.

Movie: The Prince (2014)

Bruce Willis-ness: Now you're talking! I much improved 6 here. He's staring down pieces of debris this time, mouth firm and set in the shape of a Playstation controller. Better!

Movie: Extraction (2015)

Bruce Willis-ness: We're looking at a 7 here. Bruce is in the zone now, baby! Eyes and jaw set, but without a gun his folded hands make him look like a church usher.

Movie: First Kill (2017)

Bruce Willis-ness: Another 7. Holy shit, Bruce is sharing a poster with Darth Vader! Even without a gun, he got his game face and he's rocking a law enforcement badge. Ready to kick ass.

Movie: Marauders (2016)

Bruce Willis-ness: 7.5. STILL without a gun, but this time with facial hair. Bruce clenches his jaw and is suited up to bring grief to the bad guys. Yeah, I wrote that!

Movie: Once Upon A Time In Venice (2017)

Bruce Willis-ness: A solid 9. It must be said that although the intent of a good Bruce Willis face isn't to look like a smart-ass, it's a very welcome accident. Here he looks both tough and about to say something to really piss off the substitute teacher.

Movie: A Good Day To Die Hard (2013)

Bruce Willis-ness: 10! Perfection. Leather. Gun. Scars. Game face with a touch of smart-ass, SIDE LIT by motherfucking flames! Too bad the movie is 100% shit.

Jackasses Are Also Douches

Earlier last month, J'Net bought me these nice, embossed cards to leave on other people's cars:


Just yesterday, I got to use my first. I was trying to pull into a space in a Target parking lot, but this big black SUV had parked almost diagonally with its stupid ginormous back right wheel into my space. I pulled out one of J'Net's cards and placed it under their windshield, but not without removing a cigar stub that someone else had left there (presumably another parker with the same complaint).

After picking up what I needed in the store, I came back out to see some crewcutted dude in mirror shades going to the SUV. I hung back, pretending to be waiting for another ride while I watched him walk behind his car, look at the parking job, then look at the cars on either side. He wasn't messing with my car, so I just waited until he pulled away angrily. Then I went back to my car like the nonconfrontational coward I am.

I've learned two important lessons from this maiden voyage:

1) If you're going to leave one of those cards on a car, don't park next to that car.

2) No matter how hot the weather gets, when leaving a card, do NOT keep your window cracked.



Thanks for giving back card #1, you stogie-chomping asshole! I get to use it again on another of your insufferable kind!

Eat a dick Joel. And always double down on 11.

(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, this entry has been submitted by Larry Liss.)

Can you spot Joel at the online poker table? (Click to zoom)