More New Perks For AMC Stubs Rewards Members

The AMC Stubs Rewards program continues to dominate all other moviegoing rewards programs at AMC, thanks to its growing list of benefits and perks. Here now are the latest rewards you can expect as a member:

• If your age is a prime number, you get a nerd handjob in the theatre

• Free Reese's Sticks for every 3 times you watch "Killers of the Flower Moon"

• Shots? Shots! We're getting shots, bitch!

• VIP seating at the upcoming Machine Gun Kelly film retrospective

• Advance screenings of Maria Menounos pre-show bullshit

• Free prostate exams during "Asteroid City"

• Instead of close captions for the hearing impaired, our assistant manager will yell all the dialogue in your ear

• Popcorn bucket with Mickey Rourke's dick in it

More Crazy From The Writers of the Crazy Conspiracy Show

Alex Jones's InfoWars head writers have leaked some upcoming stories that they're "working on". Here are their latest assaults on reality:

• Elmo isn't actually a puppet but a small illegal alien in a costume working without paying taxes

• Palm trees are actually giant microphones for the CIA. AVOID MIAMI AND LOS ANGELES

• Never trust a thin TSA agent. No further explanation is needed.

• Tucker Carlson is a decent human being who just wants what's best for this country.

• Like Starbucks and In-N-Out Burger, White Castle has a secret menu. But it's so secret that only members of the Skull Society and the Illuminati can order it once a year.

• Scientists have learned how to grow bacon on the moon. And cheese hasn't used real dairy ingredients since 1946. Truth!

It's Time To Say Goodbye To The Shit Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To, Part ∞

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

All Lies and Jest / Still a Man Hears What He Wants To Hear / And Disregards the Pathmark

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Timbaland tries to look badass or menacing with the Stanley Kubrick stare but just ends up looking drowsy.

Looks like the judges on "The Voice" are really tough this season.

I thought it said "Trump" for a second there, but thankfully it just says "turnup."

Father Younge was full of wisdom but had no idea how to get the giant mustard stain out.

I can't improve on this one. As is.

Selsun Blue will take care of that, Sean.

Mr. Lif's wallet was stolen almost immediately.

I know this isn't hip hop, but how can I resist something that says "Furtwängler?" "Furtwängler!"

The outskirts of Salt Lake City is an excellent place to off yourself.

Sure, it's a square comic book, but I'd buy it.

Give A Man A Pathmark And You Feed Him For A Day...

This wasn't misfiled- I just thought these two items were interesting together:

And my favorite of this batch:

Sweet potato!

A Big Duh in the Morning

Just to give you an idea of how bad the morning paper AM New York is (for those of you living in Chicago, it's the equivalent of the Red Eye), here is an article from this morning:


Now, check out this photo and caption:


Wow. That's like, college-paper-bad. Like church-bulletin-bad. Like folksy-anecdote-printed-on-the-back-of-a-Cracker-Barrel-menu-bad. I'm almost tempted to call the pun cops.