Say Goodbye To Some Shit!

 

Good-bye! Goodbye! So long! Goodbye! Goodbye!

VidCon Speaker Schedule UPDATE!

This month's upcoming VidCon will be a banger. Even more so with the newest additions. Here's who to look forward to at the industry's premiere event for content creators and influencers:

• Teach Me Dad will abandon you, just like your real Dad did

• Podcaster Ted Cruz will reveal that he is also a U.S. Senator

• Beauty blogger San Diana will disavow the trend of 'muted blurry lips' at the risk of ruining her 3 month reputation

• Blue and Black Dress vs. White and Gold Dress Dodgeball Deathmatch

• Brainstorm or Green Needle Dodgeball Deathmatch

• Free mustard samples from French's Mustard, the "Hip and Happening Mustard For All Your Content Creator Needs!"

"Be Faithful in Small Things Because It Is In Them That Your Pathmark Lies."

It's Time Once Again To Play: Which Can, Erickson?

Match the following unidentified toilets to their respective locations, indicated by defunct candy bars:

Cadbury Aztec: Schlesinger Associates Marketing Research, Houston, TX

Absotively Nutty: Brasserie by Niche, St. Louis, MO

Clark Reggie!: Barclays Center, Brooklyn, NY

Summit: Terroni, Toronto BC, Canada

Abba-Zaba: Company Production Offices, Los Angeles, CA

Caravelle: Golden Cantonese Seafood and Dim Sum Restaurant, Dunellen, NJ

The answers in 24 hours!

Introducing A New EADJ Segment: Health Food Snackness

There's a health food store a few blocks from my office, and during lunch I eat at delis and gyro stands around it. But it was only recently that I discovered that the health food store had its own sandwich counter in the back, offering such delicacies as the tofu, lettuce and tomato sandwich or the gluten-free vegetarian falafel wrap. Mmmmm.

But on the way to the sandwich counter, I noticed that the shelves were stocked with unique snacks. 

And among these snacks were the health food "equivalents" of popular mainstream sweets.

Raweo. Okay. I'm not sure what "Live Cookies" means, unless I open the package and those things are going to start scurring to the corners of the room. Although the package promises flavors of vanilla, almond, coconut, honey and cinnamon, I'm very doubtful that this can successfully approximate the tasty extruded chemical white "Stuf" inside an Oreo.

Long story short: I bit into one of those cookies and had to immediately spit it out. I mean, I had to hock out every last morsel of said cookie into the trash because the taste and texture was instantly disgusting. But could I taste honey or a soupcon of almond in the creme? WHO GIVES A SHIT GET THIS OUT OF MY FUCKING MOUTH. I will say I stopped short of gagging, so there's that.

Verdict: Raweos should not only hang its head in shame for even attempting to compare itself to Oreos, all proceeds of its sale should be redirected to wrecking ball-ing of the factory and horse farm/teepee commune that produces this abomination. On a scale from 1 to 100 (with 100 being the most delicious) Raweos scores a solid 3. No, 2.

This new EADJ segment will document my exploration of the various healthy snacks to prove once and for all that health food nuts really don't enjoy living all that much.

Will someone generate a logo for this segment, please?

EADJ Crappinuum

So how did "The Casino Job" do?

(Click to enlarge)

Well, it sucked more than William Shatner's "Incident On A Dark Street" but it didn't suck quite as much as "Jeremy's Family Reunion." I would by no means call it enjoyable in any case.

The actual DVD Artwork:

Side note: I carried that DVD in my messenger bag for a few days, and people who spotted it in there automatically thought it was a porno. Thanks, "Casino Job" for getting me suspicious looks from a New Jersey Transit conductor.

The ProofrEADJer, October Edition

Food.

Pictured below, craft service is not very excited about today's offerings.

Wal-Mart Keeps Doing the Pathmark Thing

Picture above, a college student who yearns to be outdoors, a parent who misses a quiet house, someone on a diet who cheats, and a dog owner who wishes he were more cut.

Let's Try This Now

I found this Japanese deli near my office that sells Japanese snack foods.


It's unfortunate that most Americans don't know about delicious treats like Aloe Water and Pocari Sweat, so we at EADJ have decided to become the official advertising agency for many of these unsung Hirohitos.


Over the coming weeks, we will produce television spots for a Japanese item. Here's the first one, for a beverage called Ramu Bottle Grape:

Excellent YouTube Comment O' More Than a Fortnight

From the "Treadmobile" YouTube page featuring a ridiculous running treadmill you're supposed to use on the street, a comment by saltima:

"when will we see the stationary bike version of this?"

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight: Two-Fer

From the YouTube page featuring John Lennon's video for "Imagine," a comment by 22-year old pumpernickles13:

"this song is beautiful because he is describing heaven."


and one from the more articulate johnrobinsonh:

"What are we really supposed to "imagine"? That the world will live as one?
Do you have any idea how many people in the world there are?
There are over 240,000.000 people living in Indonesia - the most populist Muslim country.
Should we imagine that all 240 million Muslims in Indonesia should be welcomed to live as one in Manhattan with John and Yoko and we're supposed to imagine there are no religions and all these folks are going to live in peace with us?
What %*#$(%# idiots!"

A new beginning for Joel.

2007 promises to bring new hope and dick to Joel. He has resolved to make a new start and has already quit his job as a CompUSA greeter. He will now devote more time to writing screenplays for Tatum O' Neal's new series "Wicked Wicked Games." To show their faith in the project, the studio MyNetworkTV has even purchased an additional one episodes! Way to go, dick eater!


Joel has also reportedly lost more weight. He is now a healthy 130 lbs, although his liver only works intermittently now. Atkins-tastic!

(pictured at the top: kitchen renovations on 24 force a Trekkie –Trekker, whatever– to forlornly stroke his Tribble mouse cover)