Happy Independence Day from EADJ

We at Eat a Dick Joel wish you a happy and safe July 4. For those of you who insist on setting off fireworks with little or no regard for safety precautions, we hope you find the fingers you blew off so you can get them reattached in the Emergency Room. Enjoy!

Someone Ran the Comp Illustration

Spotted online: Michael Jackson retires with $500,000

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based on Glitter Tattoo Names

A declining box office has forced Hollywood's major studios to scramble for the next big blockbuster franchise. But since almost every novel, comic book, original script, adapted script and short story idea has already been turned into a movie, the next place to look for ideas is from Glitter Tattoo names from a gumball machine in a Pump It Up trampoline park in Roselle Park, New Jersey.

Here now are all the script ideas already in development with the names attached to the projects:

"Crowned Heart" starring George Clooney, Aldis Hodge and Karen Gillan

Two pediatricians (Clooney and Hodge) help an exceptional child with a chronic illness find his voice and inspire his entire school. Karen Gillan plays the aggrieved mother.

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"Flying Dragon" starring Simu Liu, Ali Wong and Alex Winter

Two karaoke singers (Liu and Winter) are mistaken for Chinese gangsters and need to find the real culprits to clear their name within 24 hours. Also starring Clancy Brown as Police Sergeant Mudworth.

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"Dancing Dolphins" directed by Mira Sorvino. Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Minoso, Sophia Bush, and Paula Patton

This script is still being developed under tight wraps. but all we know so far is that it's being filmed in Florida and Weta Workshop is developing the special fx. Lizzo, P!nk and Sam Smith are recording the soundtrack.

 

The EADJ Facebook Defender

Previous EADJ Facebook Defriender entries here.

It's time once again to cut the Facebook chaff from the Facebook wheat. I have more FB friends that I care to stay in touch with anyway. So it was easy to cut S_____ loose from my digital life.

He's actually a nice guy and all, but I haven't seen him since 2007 and he's in London now.

One of the main reasons I'm cutting him loose is because his posts are insufferable. He fancies himself a photographer with his cell phone shots.

And to be fair, he does have some talent, but he just posts this shit ALL THE TIME and he documents the place and time like anyone gives a shit. "Oh, that's what a coffee looks like in Barcelona at 2am? Gee!" 

So, goodbye S_______. I won't miss your constant photography exhibit.

The National Fire Protection Association Bag Graphics: Decoded

By now you and all American citizens should have received your National Fire Protection Association Bag in the mail. Many of you must be wondering what the characters on the bag graphics are thinking in this particular scene. EADJ and the NFPA have teamed up to provide this helpful guide:

1) "I'm 65 and can still work this over-the-knee knitted dress. God, I'm fuckable."

2) "I bet it would be pretty funny to pull this service dog's tail."

3) "Hey, it's Sparky the Fire Protection Dog! Let's go see, honey!"

4) "DO NOT FUCKING PUSH ME, JONATHAN."

5) "Dude, I am tripping major balls. That dog has fingers."

6) "Heil Hitler!"

Carolyn Kinder Could Give A Shit.

Look. I've put out these candle holders. They're okay. Not my best work, but whatever. They're cherry with some chrome finishes on the top. I mean they'll class up your place a little, but I'm not promising anything.


My agent wanted me to start selling these things at Target and Home Depot. So okay, sure. No big deal. Knock yourself out. Go to town on it.


So when all my interior design colleagues started hating on me, saying stupid shit like I've "sold out" or that I'm "contributing to the mainstreaming of mediocre design" (nice one, Interiors Magazine), I'm like, whatever people. You're just jealous that I've turned my brand into actual cash. Not like you, Maggie Stonewall. How's that strip mall store going for you? Yeah, I thought so, you cow.

You know what? Fuck the haters. I put my name on some admittedly generic candle holders, but it's more than you've ever done in your life. Who are you to judge me? Whatever.

Fourth of July Preparations

As the holiday weekend approaches, EADJ urges everyone to exercise caution and care when helping your toddler light M-80s.

It is in this spirit that we feature a recent item we got in the mail: The Phantom Fireworks brand catalog:


The 30-page catalog boasted an impressive array of fireworks in their stock. But more interesting were the item descriptions.

(Click to enlarge and read)

AWESOME YouTube Comment O' the Fortnight

From the YouTube page for the song named "Yatta!" a great comment by 23-year old AtheistAssassin13:

"God, this song kicks your mother's ass and forces your family to watch. That's how awesome it is."

A Fun Fact About Tom

Every month or so, Tom's aunt bakes and sends to him a molasses bread the size of Peter Dinklage, and Tom devours the entire thing.



To order your own Peter Dinklage-sized loaf of molasses bread, click here.

A Solution of Sorts

(pictured above, a DIY fix from my Dad after his cooking set off the smoke alarm too many times)

Let's Pretend To Kiss the Outside of the EADJ Mail Sack Even Though It Smells Tangy!

Below, a submission from Bill Dow at the EADJ office in San Fran. Note Bill's creepy reflection.