Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs What The Secret Is To A Successful Relationship

Note: the last TWAAMWHHSBAWT entry was in May 2020.

"What's the secret to a successful... uh... relationship? That's *ah* a really great question. What it... (gasp) takes is mindfulness, which is...GAG... the art of giving attention to the moment... *choke*...and also it takes is... cough cough cough cough... work- meaning, you have to actively maintain the relati... cough cough cough cough cough cough... relationship to spot-check the areas for improvement and *KAAAAAAAK*... gasp... uh... keep... keeping... *neck snaps*.

10 Burning Questions For the Interior Decorator of A Porn Movie

1) What the hell, did you rob a Spencer's Gifts?

2) No, seriously. Why does it look like a nouveau-riche dorm room?

3) Worse yet, is that possibly someone's house and they purposely decorated it like that?

4) Why would you pick bright, garish colors? Wouldn't that detract from all the engorged genitals?

5) Why is the couch pleather... never mind. I know the answer to that one.

6) The whole thing vaguely resembles a set from one of those Nickelodeon sitcoms, which is 1000% creepy. Was that the goal?

7) Does the Mondrian estate know about the knockoff paintings on the back wall?

8) Can I use your bathroom?

9) How can you tell when it's really the pizza delivery guy knocking?

10) To repeat question 1, WHAT THE HELL?

One, Two, Um, Buckle My, Um, Racist Appliances

On The Next "Walkway To Parking," An Original Series On Lifetime

Coming July 14 on Lifetime: the most important episode of "Walkway To Parking," starring Melissa Joan Hart that you will see this year. In the season finale, titled "Forget We Met," alliances will be forged. Family secrets will be uncovered.  And four of the five major characters will die in horrible, very graphic detail.

Studio execs and television critics have been given a sneak peak at this game-changing episode, which was directed by "One Life To Live" helmer Jill Ackles, and rave reviews have hit the press already.

"My sweet God, Melissa Joan Hart was so brave to show her tits in that courtroom scene!" - Variety

"Sharon Stone shines as Aunt Hildy in a Daytime Emmy-worthy career-defining performance! Wait, this will air at night, so it's not eligible for a Daytime Emmy? Okay, never mind." - Soap Opera Digest

"I didn't understand a line of dialogue in this episode. But that's mainly because I'm Portuguese and don't speak a word of English. I mean that literally." - Honcho Magazine (Portuguese Edition)

What is it about this television show that compels people to watch it a second time? Is it Melissa Joan Hart's staggering range of emotion in her acting confused? Is it the beautiful Southern village sets? Is it the fact that it airs opposite "Minute To Win It," that idiotic show where people have to hip-check a ping pong ball into a goddamned cup? Whatever the reason, Lifetime is certainly enjoying the spike in ratings, and they are betting big on the July 14 episode, charging advertisers up to $180,000 per 30 second commercial.

"Walkway To Parking" airs on Lifetime 8pm 7 central and is rated TVMA for wincing, terrible fake Southern accents, and buckets of unnecessary gore.

EADJ Crappinema Recap: Wow, We've Done Fifteen of These?!

Click to enlarge:

It's stunning to think that since "Shell Game" starring John Davidson and Joan Van Ark in January of 2008, we've reviewed 15 crappy movies on this humble blog. That's about 30 hours of bullshit (not including the additional hours doing write-ups) that we put ourselves through for you people. That's like working a week at a full-time job, minus 10 hours of cruising around the Hot Topic at the mall because you think the chubby goth girl at the register is kind of cute but you haven't mustered up the courage to say hi to her or buy anything because you're an incredible pussy, Nathan.

We obviously hadn't prepared to review so many films when we created the handy-dandy EADJ Crappinema Suck-o-meter pictured above, as we're now forced to wedge in positions for "The Man From Button Willow," "Da Station," and "Sol Goode." You'll notice that the need for space is slightly higher towards the "Fucking Piss-Awful" end of the spectrum.

But we've had our moments of enjoyment, too. The Debbie Gibson/Lorenzo Lamas vehicle "Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus" was pure cheeseball enjoyment, and "My Boys Are Good Boys" was a good heist movie, as B-grade teenager prison movies go.

The next movie in the docket, "Jeremy's Family Reunion," at first appeared to be a shallow, preachy Tyler Perry ripoff, but 20 minutes into it, it actually looks like it was helmed by someone who knows what they're doing. Who knew, right.

So we've also considered recreating the Suck-o-meter from scratch, but what fun would that be? I want to see how convoluted that graph will look when we review our 50th movie.

UAG

Haven't I Seen This Movie Already?

Three movie treatments, which have been made into about 40 movies so far:

Denzel Washington plays a tough but fair leader to a group of young people who have the potential but not the discipline. Through firm speeches and looking around the room, he gives the kids the strength they need to finally achieve that trophy or goal of theirs! Also most likely starring Angela Bassett and David Morse. Together, they will "Cross That Dream Line."

When a bad man is either on a killing rampage or has been beating her, Ashley Judd must do whatever it takes to get past that obstacle and carry on. Her tears betray the pain and determination she experiences every day. Also starring Morgan Freeman, Forrest Whitaker or other older African American gentleman to be her father figure/confidant. This Fall, get ready for "Silent Sorrow Hope."

A heist is going down. And it's up to Robert Deniro/Al Pacino to either finish the job or stop it. Deniro/Pacino is the reluctant veteran on this side of the law, and he must successfully carry out/stop one last illegal activity before he retires. Also starring Joaquin Phoenix, Jennifer Tilly, and that girl from The Sopranos. Directed by either of those directors that always does this shit. "Throw The Book," coming 2009.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From "The Bride Kills Bill" page– the classic scene from Kill Bill, Part 2 where the Bride performs the Five Point Exploding Heart Technique– a comment from "28 year old" mjcvidmaker:

"y couldnt they just go down to the beach and slice each other up it would be much more entertaining lol."