Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones continues to push his writers to come up with the batshit craziest conspiracy lunacy to inject into public discourse. Here are the latest conspiracies that he will inject into his upcoming shows:

• Starbucks are communist collectives designed to poison capitalist workers with overpriced caffeine to make them TOO productive.

• People who work at aquariums around the country are all Mormon socialists, planning to marry all the dolphins and spread the fish/wealth

• Grimace is actually a large virulent fungus engineered by McDonald's to devour all uneaten burgers in parking lots

• Public librarians have been trained by the Mossad to assassinate anyone who defaces children's books about Hanukkah

• Soul legend Ray Charles was a foreign operative, and his song "Georgia On My Mind" was about the Georgian Soviet Socialist Republic that he missed so much

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Eat eat eat a dick Joel Joel Joel

For the next week, Joel will be undergoing some serious (but elective) cosmetic surgery.

First, he will get his stomach tucked. This will help enhance his abs while giving a lift to his upper quads.

Then he will have the skin on his shoulders tightened. The reason for this is that he wants a smooth, babylike surface on his shoulders for dudes to rest their hands on while he's eating their dick.

Finally, he will have his mouth widened. "Many times I have tried to devour dick and found the circumference of my piehole to be too wee," Joel explains, "Now I will be able to gobble more than four at a time. Plus, with my new bowl haircut, I'll look just like Carol Channing!"

Then he farted and giggled.

(pictured above, Tom Lichtenheld explains the new scientific method that will be used to kill all future Corona work)