It Hasn't Been A Full Month, And Already It's Time Again To Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye!

10 Questions To Ask On The TMZ Celebrity Tour

In both L.A. and New York City, TMZ has tour buses that take tourists on a trip through "The Real Hollywood." Here now are 10 questions you can ask if you choose to go on these TMZ outings:

1) Can I have my money back?

2) Is that Samuel L. Jackson? Or is that Morgan Freeman? Or Laurence Fishburne? Or Danny Glover? Or Keith David? Great God, I'm racist.

3) Wait, stop the bus! I want to take a selfie with Kate Hudson's recycling bin!

4) Do any of you cowardly paparazzi fuckers have a soul?

5) That dude who runs TMZ- the older guy who wears tight Polo shirts- he's creepy, isn't he? You can't say he's not creepy, right?

6) Why did you kill Princess Diana?

7) On the TMZ show, how come everybody sits around the office chatting and doesn't do a lick of work?

8) Are we allowed to "bag and tag" any celebrities we spot?

9) Is Kramer driving this thing?

10) Should we have pissed away our $40 at Madame Tussaud's instead?

Retail Hell: Deceptive Advertising

Last weekend, I was browsing the action figure section of Target– because I am creepy– and I came across these little numbers:


Cool. Mini Transformer guys. But as I reached for one, I noticed some LEGAL on the package:


What in the Sam Shit? Transformers that don't transform? What kind of Hellish, Orwellian alternate universe am I in? So they've taken some really cool toys, made an updated cartoon about the toys, then made newer toys based on the TV series based on the original toys that don't transform? I'm impressed at how meta and retarded this has gotten. The four year olds in the toy aisle with me learned a few new words that day, let me tell you.