Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones continues to push his writers to come up with the batshit craziest conspiracy lunacy to inject into public discourse. Here are the latest conspiracies that he will inject into his upcoming shows:

• Starbucks are communist collectives designed to poison capitalist workers with overpriced caffeine to make them TOO productive.

• People who work at aquariums around the country are all Mormon socialists, planning to marry all the dolphins and spread the fish/wealth

• Grimace is actually a large virulent fungus engineered by McDonald's to devour all uneaten burgers in parking lots

• Public librarians have been trained by the Mossad to assassinate anyone who defaces children's books about Hanukkah

• Soul legend Ray Charles was a foreign operative, and his song "Georgia On My Mind" was about the Georgian Soviet Socialist Republic that he missed so much

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs How To Get Out of a Headlock

Great question....oof. A headlock is a very... (gasp)... powerful submission hol... hold. (Struggles) When your attacker or opponent... ack... initiates an attempt, you must... ohgod... exert maximum effort to escape. First, turn your, uh, head toward your... attacker. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Then turn into your opponent's body... *cough* so your airway is... no... no longer constricted... ACK! Stun your attacker by... no, ouch I can't breathe... using your ha... hand closest to the front of your attacker's body to strike in the gut or ribs with your elbow. Striking your attacker in the gut and... guh... ribs works for both male and female atta... *neck snaps*

It's Time For Another Installment of The EADJ Facebook De-Friender

You can enjoy the previous other episode of the Facebook De-Friender here.

In a world where it's a rare and beautiful gift to have a real friend, a Facebook friend, however, is an easily disposable thing you can chuck at a whim. Because let's be honest– Facebook friends only wish you a Happy Birthday because Facebook told them it was, and they would never have otherwise. Still, we at EADJ still believe in the "3 strikes" rule, and a certain Facebook friend whose initial is "P"  failed that test yesterday.

"P" is from the small town in North Carolina that I grew up in, and we were never friends when we attended junior high and high school together. I believe it was the class reunion and/or the realization of our mortality that prompted us to connect on Facebook.

And what has friending her done for me or her? Well, I've never written any notes to her (I acknowledge my negligence in this friendship), and she hasn't ever written to me. We'd been Facebook friends for over a year with no communication, until recently I started getting some shitty requests from her to play "Free Slot Machines." To protect "P's" identity, I have replaced her profile photo with a shot of goat turds:

And I got this third Free Slot Machines request last night:

And with the 3 strike rule in effect, it's time to play LOSE THAT FB FRIEND!

*** INSERT COIN ***

CREDIT :1

PLAY MAXIMUM BET

Three in a row! Jackpot! We have a loser!