UAG

"I'm Enjoying This. I'm Enjoying This. I'm Enjoying This."

OH GOD.

Started From The Bottom, Now We're Racist Appliances

Mr. Jingles Is Coming.

The Home Depot in Union City, New Jersey will be host to the lovable antics of Mr. Jingles.

Mr. Jingles will give your kids keys and one of those keys will be MAGIC and will actually open his treasure chest. Mr. Jingles may or may not step away from the treasure chest so that his crotch is right there. And it turns out that if your kid does open the treasure chest with the MAGIC key, there's nothing inside except for a couple of coupons for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut and an old pamphlet about warts.

Here are some other things that you probably didn't know about Mr. Jingles:

• He's one of the most popular artists on Datpiff.com.

• Despite the government's best efforts, there is absolutely no record of Mr. Jingles from years 1993-1998.

• The nickname "Mr. Jingles" was given to him by Marlon Brando. True story.

• Mr. Jingles is related to Fred Durst, but neither will admit it.

• Never bring anything with velour into Mr. Jingles' house. He goes totally apeshit.

• Mr. Jingles was kicked out of Santa's workshop when he tried to fondle a female elf's genitals.

• Whenever it's close to 5pm, Mr. Jingles starts packing up for home. No use asking him for anything then.

• He still owns a Dreamcast, which when you think about it, is pretty damn cool.

• One year Mr. Jingles had bangs in his hair. Holy ass, he looked stupid.

• If you closely at the advertisement, you can tell who is in the Mr. Jingles suit:

An Imagined Conversation.

"Now, you can see, gentleman– and lady– on this next hologram that the All Terrain Armored Transport, or 'AT-AT' for short, features extremely heavy armor and armaments. The Imperial Department of Military Research are very proud of this latest assault walker design, and...excuse me."
"Yes?"
"Aren't you Anne Murray?"
"Yes."
"Wait. Anne Murray the singer?! How did you get into this Imperial officer weapons briefing (I'm a really big fan, by the way) ?"
"(Thanks) Well, I don't know, the door was open, and I guess I got off on the wrong floor..."
"What are you talking about, Anne Murray? This is the Death Star, a heavily guarded, self-contained space station in the middle of space! There's no possible way you could have just wandered into this room!"
"I have all your albums."
"Well, I'm afraid we might be forced to detain you, Mrs. Murray. But we must continue with the briefing."
"Please, continue. I find this very interesting."
"Thanks. Ahem. Now, the AT-AT is designed for the dual purpose of crushing and demoralizing enemy forces, but also as a transport for troops and light vehicles. And because of its heavy armor and stature, it can well be the first vehicle deployed to a combat zone. Jerjerrod!"
"Sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Mrs. Murray, I have to ask, why was the album I'll Be Seeing You released only in Canada and not elsewhere? It's one of my favorites."
"We can't have this discussion now. Or ever! It isn't canon!"
"What's canon?"
"You know, what's allowed in the Star Wa...this universe."
"Have you heard her version of I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter? It's fantastic."
"Thanks!"
"I'm sure it's wonderful. You know, I think we all need a break now. Let's meet up in fifteen minutes. Guards, take Mrs. Murray to Cell Block 1138. And Jerjerrod, can I borrow that CD you mentioned so that I could rip it?"

Let's Fill the EADJ Mail Sack With Boiling Water And Make Some Noodles!

Submitted by Andrew:

Halal, All Y'all

(pictured above, Alnoor Halal Live Poultry Market demonstrates the Middle Eastern equivalent of Rock, Scissors, Paper)