Some Grossly Uninformed Movie Plot Summaries

I really need to broaden my horizons and learn Turkish or Tamil or Hindi or Farsi or something in order to understand this set of foreign (mostly Iranian) DVD covers. Until then, here are my best uneducated guesses what these foreign (mostly Iranian) flicks are about:

"Mustache Prison Camp"

This hilarious romp follows Ig, Thwel and Dorba as they try to break out of an Old Delhi prison camp by having one of them impersonate 1999 Internet sensation Mahir Cagri. "I kiss you!"

"Sitar Hero"

Enrique Sweaterwearer tries to break out of the shadow of his pop star father Julio Sweaterwearer and find his own voice, even finding love along the way. Featuring a cameo by Haskjdkjfskj Gajdijaidjjaidjijad.

"About Last Night Shyamalan"

A popular Indian director leaves Hollywood, USA to find his roots and steal some story ideas from some children in a meadow. Twist ending: he's actually Bangladeshi!

"Mission Impepperoni"

Seven average shlubs and one crazy sick incredibly HOT chick with gorgeous eyes try to start their own pizza delivery service using piano wire and some dick balloons. Almost all of them end up vomiting grape alphabet soup onto their shirts.

"Nova Zembla"

Charles Zembla searches the three seas of Holland to find his lost wife and confidante Nova. Once he finds her, he shares with her all the nasty things that his immediate supervisor Cory keeps saying about how his hair needs some product. Now in 3D and smell-o-vision.

"Glasses, Glasses, What?"

This four second short film from Iran features "the Iranian Ray Liotta" Mohsen Hasan running through an Iranian Pearle Vision Center and trying on two pairs of glasses and accidentally one pair of sunglasses. This film is not yet color corrected.

"Sigi Jloiji"

This Iranian version of "What About Bob?" features the Iranian Bill Murray pestering the Iranian Richard Dreyfuss as he tries to relax at his lakeside cabin. This version, however, is not a comedy and features some very serious discussion about personal privacy and Iranian Asperger's.

"Stare Until The Audience Blinks"

The wax busts of the Iranian Charlie Sheen and the Iranian Piers Morgan dare the theatre audience to blink before they do. The audience member that lasts the longest gets to have their wax bust created for the sequel, "Stare Until The Audience Blinks Again."

"Requirement Of Marriage"

All's fair in love and courtship as Aref Farhat attempts to land the girl of his dreams while avoiding the gold digging Kahar-dash'ian sisters. Will he save up enough money to start his own frozen yogurt kiosk?



"Who Farted?"

This multiple-ending film tracks the (bowel) movements of five poker players and through clever editing, reveals who farted in the elevator to the parking lot. Was it Farnoud the IT expert? Harun the crooked businessman? Labina the nurse and clay sculptor? Iraj the other fat one? Or Flo Rida (no relation) the woman who loves to eat dried peaches and fermented dates?

"Third Floor"

Two childhood friends comfort each other for winning all of their country's movie festivals but not getting into Sundance.

"F-----------|--E"

This movie is like "Fast and Furious" with motorcycles. Low on gas- a rare thing in a country with a fossil fuel based economy- Tam and Jake make money joining illegal underground motorcycle drift race competitions. Tam is afraid that Jake is only one bad stoppie away from losing it all.

"Breakable"

The impressive Photoshopped face of Ali Zibaei is so intense, he can smash through plate glass without closing his eyes. Yeah, boy, he's earned his popped collar.

"Princples"

Two elmenry schol teachrs discovr that the printr of all their schol's materiels got almost evry word wrong in the new texbooks. Throuh the help of spelcheck and a dictonary, they manage to corect almost every word in order to win a white 1998 Honda Feista.

A Solution of Sorts

(pictured above, a DIY fix from my Dad after his cooking set off the smoke alarm too many times)

This Whole Thing Is a Sham.

So when we got married, J'Net and I registered to get some shams for some pillows in the bedroom. But I didn't realize the pillows were just decorative– that you're not really supposed to use them to sleep with. And the shams are dry clean only, so after having them dry cleaned, J'Net said they're full of chemicals that we shouldn't be breathing. So wha hoppen? Now we have two pillows we're not supposed to use covered in pillowcases we're not supposed to be putting our heads on. I know, next time, let's throw some decorative bear traps covered in rape by our feet!


(pictured above, the hexagon-patterned shams. Pretty, aren't they.)

Sort of related: A completely unnecessary Wikipedia entry.

Slapped!

Joel got slapped yesterday. By a dude.

The incident occurred at one of those places where you paint your own pottery. Joel took a blind date to All Fired Up in Santa Monica but began eyeing this dude's crotch at the next table. Cora Sampson, his date, never noticed, but the dude totally picked up on Joel's lustful glances. The fact that Joel painted "I WANT TO EAT YOUR DICK, RANDOM DUDE AT THE NEXT TABLE" on his vase wasn't very subtle, either.

So after about 45 minutes of enduring Joel's ogling and mooning, the dude plum got up and slapped Joel smack on the mug. What the fuck kind of sentence was that.

(pictured above, C-K graciously teaches barista skills to a group of people they're about to lay off)