This Week In Failed Kickstarter Projects

Here are the latest crowdfunded projects that failed to meet their financial goals:

• A small, handsome derby for beetles which they can tip when they meet each other in public

• Dung-based burger patties

• Alcoholic Capri-Suns shaped like tits (for adults only)

• Alcoholic Ring Pops shaped like dicks (for adults only)

• a dumb custom car horn for Jeeps that's just someone yelling "JEEP!"

• an unauthorized biography of actor Robert Duvall that's actually authorized

• inedible panties

• "Hardworking Susan" - a raised table platform for food that does NOT turn

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

😔

Some More New Documentaries To Watch On The Documentaries Channel

Here are a few featured documentaries that you can now stream on the Documentaries Channel. This is so exciting that someone should make a documentary of it:

• Garlicish: Why Some Things That Aren't Garlic Smell Like Garlic

• Heeeey, We Want Some 2 Live Crew Documentary!

• Not Speaking To You: The Silent Weapon Girlfriends Use

• The History of Pliers: Ancient Times to the 1970s

• A Terrible Industrial Training Video With Narration To Look Like a Documentary

• The Austrian Politics of Geese Husbandry

• Guys Who Almost Played in U2 But Got a Pretty Good Paying Job at the Time

• I HATE YOU: Toddlers Sound Off

• Women! (either the empowering rights documentary or the misogynistic one that complains about them)

We Re-Caption Some Falun Gong Exercises

"WASSUP NEW YOOOOOORK?"

"I've got the baby, but where is that closet light?"

"C'mon and dry, roll-on. I'm late for work!"

"♪ My name is Alexander Hamilton ♪"

"Sorry. I don't care if you do know the DJ. I can't let you in without an ID."

"Who twisted me into this position? Some angry short guy, about this high."

But on a rare serious note, Falun Gong practitioners have been persecuted by the Communist Party in China, which sucks. Maybe read about it here.

Smecial Dreams Entry

And this after the death of Stephen Hawking:

More Infections Spotted

RUN!!!!!

Some Terrible Porn Names

Feel free to use any of the following unclaimed porn names in case you're getting into "the biz." But please keep in mind, these are terrible names:


HER:

H. Ivy
Ana Filactic
Tara Dactyl
Eleanor Roosevelt
Java Script
Tess Tease
Amber Alert
Roe Tissery
Lexxxxi Prude
Winnie the Pube
Preg Nancy
Exxel Spreadsheet
Roomba

HIM:

Stefan Ready
Jim Membership
Rex Yourcredit
Honoré De Ballsack
Ari U. Inyet
Father Donald O' Reilly
Jack Squat
Corey Ander
Jiminy Rickets
Iowa Caucus

Some Additional Uses For Butterscotch

(photo by John Reid)

• Present Butterscotch as Vice Presidential running mate, make her debate with Senator Joe Biden
• Strategically place in window of schizophrenic's home
• Remove head, place in robotic gangster's bed
• Hollow out anal cavity. Add fleshlight. Never leave home again.
• Replace stuffing with raw pork. Give to niece. Bring pork-filled Butterscotch and niece to dog park.
• Equip mouth with tennis ball serving machine. Make Butterscotch vomit tomatoes at horse show.
• Give lower half to Vern Troyer so he can be a centaur.
• Fill with crack cocaine. Smoke.
• Replace stuffing with trash bags filled with blood. Leave on deserted road. Wait.
• Take Butterscotch to Living Colour concert. Throw onstage during "Cult of Personality."
• Leave Butterscotch in a bad neighborhood. Come back to see it stripped.
• Take Butterscotch to West Coast Customs for DVD player and karaoke machine installation
• Equip mouth with remote loudspeaker. Sneak Butterscotch into "It's a Small World" and have her yell racist remarks.
• Pawn to superstitious pawn shop owner. Tell him it's cursed. Turn on when leaving.
• Sneak backstage at the next Apple conference. Replace next great product announcement with Butterscotch. Watch Steve Jobs wing it.
• Use Butterscotch as model for much larger horse constructed of wood that you fill with Greek soldiers and give to Troy as a gift and peace offering.

Also, a very recent Craigslist "casual encounter" can be found here.