Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

The Most Common Answers That Soccer Bunny Gives During ESPN Interviews

• "Yeah, I'm a goalie Soccer Bunny. That's why I get to touch the ball with my hands."

• "No, in Europe, I'm still known as Soccer Bunny, not Football Bunny."

• "Yes, that's supposed to be my likeness on the bottom of the box."

• "About $680 million a year."

• "As a matter of fact, yes. I'm dating Bella Hadid."

• "I'm not going to answer that question. But I'll just say that I'm part Moroccan."

• "Four."

• "No siblings. Although my cousin is a chocolate shark in Walgreen's."

• "No, $3.68 doesn't sound like a random, arbitrary number to me."

• "Hmm... Probably Seth Myers, Rebecca Black and Indira Gandhi."

• "Missionary."

• "No, I can't do any product endorsements since I am a product myself."

• "'The Shack' by William P. Young. It is so inspirational."

Further Infection

As reported before, more and more cases of the walking dead have been reported throughout the region. Just today in Millburn, NJ, a disturbing incident of juvenile zombie-ism was spotted.

Hide your daughters. Or if they're infected, behead them.

Some Title Here

Easter is almost upon us, and I stumbled upon some really keen Easter stuff in the latest Oriental Trading catalog. Because I'm Oriental.


The catalog is filled with knick-knacks and doodads that help teachers introduce their Sunday School students to Easter, which is fine, until I got to the pageant costume section:


Now kids can play out the entire resurrection scene. You know, where Jesus comes out of the cave and says "hey." Then everyone is amazed except Thomas, who demands to feel Jesus' wounds before being convinced. Then Simon Peter gives Thomas an atomic wedgie, and Thomas starts crying and throws his Juicy Juice box at him.


Maybe it's just me, but there's something disingenuous and unsettling about a bunch of WASP-y kids dressing up as historical Middle Easterners in day-glo robes.


That kid looks like every bearded college guy walking into a party:

"Wassup, fools? Is the keg in the back?"

It's also nice to see that they make Joel's mandals in kid's sizes.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Happy The Littlest Bunny

Oof. A bad movie is one thing. A bad children's movie that tries to teach you a lesson is an entirely new ball of suck. And after watching this cheaply-animated romp through lesson-land, I'm not even sure exactly what the moral of it all is.







The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Happy: It isn't fair mama! I eat my turnips every day, And still I'm the littlest bunny in the woods!

Mama Bunny: Now, Happy. There's more to life than being a big bunny.

Happy: Like what?

Mama Bunny: Well, like being honest, and having a big heart. If you keep your heart full of love and kindness, it doesn't matter what size your body is. You will be bigger than all the rest.

Happy: It will?

Mama Bunny: In a very special way, yes.

Happy: But, Mosey and Patch– they're always teasing me. I hate being teased.

Mama Bunny: I know, dear. But if you don't react to their teasing, then you'll be bigger than either of them, in spirit.

Happy: I'd rather be bigger than them in body.

Mama Bunny: Sometimes growth happens on the inside before it happens on the outside, Happy.

Happy: Being a littlest bunny stinks! My whole life stinks!

Mama Bunny: (shocked) Happy!

Happy: Well, it does! I'm always being picked on! And not just my brothers, either. Everybody on the woods is picking on me, just 'cause I'm so small!

Mama Bunny: Chicky doesn't pick on you.

Happy: Mama! Chicky is a chipmunk! He's just about the only animal in the woods that isn't bigger than me!

Mama Bunny: Is there anything I can do to make you feel better, Happy?

Happy: Figure out a way to change me from the littlest bunny into the biggest bunny.

(Mama Bunny shakes her head)


















The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Farmer Bellows: There! Maybe if I leave you some food, you'll stop raiding my garden.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

Farmer Bellows: Tell your friends I'll bring fresh vegetables out here for all of you every day until the harvest is over.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

Farmer Bellows: And on until winter, too. Well, eat well, my little friends, eat well.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

(Farmer Bellows leaves the garden. The bunnies still don't react. Because they're bunnies for crying out loud.)






The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Mama: You are going to have some very serious consequences to your actions, young bunny.

"Scrappy": Yes ma'am, I kind of figured as much.

Mama: Good. You and Chicky will have to pay back the field mice every morsel you stole from them, and then some.


"Scrappy": Yes ma'am. We will.

Mama: And you're going to have to stop stealing from Farmer Bellow's garden.


"Scrappy": I will, don't worry. And I'll make sure nobody steals from him, either. Even if I have to stand guard myself!

Mama: Good. And I think you owe your brothers a big apology.

"Scrappy": Yes, ma'am, I sure do.


"Scrappy": I'm sorry, Patch. sorry, Moosie.


Moosie: Ah, that's okay, Scrappy. If it wasn't for me and Moosie teasing you all the time, this wouldn't ever happened.

Mama: I certainly hope you learned something about being big, Scrappy Rabbit.


"Scrappy": Oh, I did, Mama, I did. There's just one thing.

Mama: What is it?


"Scrappy": I don't want to be Scrappy Rabbit anymore. Will you start calling me Happy Rabbit again?

Mama: Well, well. It looks like the littlest bunny is finally growing up.

(Scooby and the gang then burst out in laughter)



So Happy's brothers were never in any danger. In fact, their vandalizing Farmer Bellow's garden prompted him to start sharing more with the animals. So what was the lesson to learn from all this? That becoming a violent asshole will make you a big shot, and eventually it will get you into trouble but that will somehow fix itself and reward everyone around you, so it was all worth it. Kind of like the end result of "Shaft."