Summaries of Upcoming Episodes of TNT's Crime Drama "The Closer"

Up to now, TNT has been hush-hush about the next season of "The Handler"- I mean "The Closer", but lucky for us mega-fans they've leaked the plot summaries of 6 upcoming episodes! Here now are the storylines to look forward to in Season 8 this Fall:

S8E01: "Gaslitted"

Sybil discovers that someone in the Evidence Department has stolen a gas card and used it to buy $300 worth of premium gas when it would have been so much smarter to buy regular unleaded and not be so obvious about it.

S8E02 "Dingleburied"

Hoffman shits his pants in the briefing room and the entire episode shows him slowly making his way to the door.

S8E03 "A Christmas Carol"

Nah. Just kidding.

S8E04 "Hung Up To Dry"

Grace and Culligan collect clues about a rumored baby mill. Meanwhile, a sex worker tells Danny about a dead body she found in the rafters. Co-starring Benjamin Blankenship as "Cory".

S8E05 "Fuck Your Feelings"

Donovan and Kaylee reveal their feelings for each other during a heated session of good cop/bad cop. The widow of a murder victim discovers a hidden cache of foreign jewels. There is a new vending machine in the break room.

S8E06 "Tits and Jujubes"

Hammond gets caught moonlighting as a steakhouse greeter. Chief Jasmine cheats on Vivian and feels guilty. A protest turns into a riot and some people get inconvenienced.

Catch these episodes and more on TNT starting November 30!

More Infections Spotted

RUN!!!!!

The Infection Spreads More.

Editor's note: This post is a sequel to a 2009 entry.

Patient Zero of the infection was this lady from December 2008:

Years later, several new cases have been spotted in NY and NJ:

Stock up on water and canned goods. This is fucking terrifying.

More Dialogue From Movies I Haven't Seen

I have seen a lot of movies. A LOT. Yes, even "Zombeavers." But I ain't seen these yet. Here's what I imagine their characters saying:

Jennifer Lopez voiceover: "This is my life. This is who I am. This is my story, told for the first time. This is the real me, not the lies that the tabloids tell, but the lies my publicists tell."

Steven: "Excuse me, front desk, can I get a bucket of ice for myAAAAAAAAUUHHHHHHHH!"

Liam Neeson: "Jenny? Jenny? Where are you?"

Liam Neeson: "Well, I'm glad to have you back home, Jenny. Jenny? Are you there? Yoo hoo!"

Liam Neeson: "Jenny. Seriously, where the fuck do you keep running off to?"

"Hey, Dad. I'm Iron Man."

"What in the sam shit are you talking about, boy?"

Gerard Depardieu: "Get owff MAH prow-pair-TEE!"

The Infection Spreads Unchecked

Spotted on a Lufthansa ad in a NJ Transit train, a gummy zombie hungers for the insatiable pleasure of devouring living brains.

Fucking creepy.

The Infection Has Spread To Suburban New Jersey

Further Infection

As reported before, more and more cases of the walking dead have been reported throughout the region. Just today in Millburn, NJ, a disturbing incident of juvenile zombie-ism was spotted.

Hide your daughters. Or if they're infected, behead them.

ZOMG

Spotted in the September issue of Steppin' Out Magazine (where do I find these obscure periodicals?), a Halloween-themed ad for a haunted house featuring someone named Addy Miller:


Apparently she appeared briefly in the excellent AMC series "The Walking Dead." (The first season was only six episodes; you should check it out.)



Wait, twenty bucks for an autograph? I don't think George Takay or Malcolm McDowell charge that much for a signature at comicons. And I'm happy for this little girl's success, but let's be truthful here- she was onscreen for like 20 horrific seconds.

Here's Addy in action:



"Hi, Addy. Big fan. I really enjoyed seeing you getting your head blown off in the pilot episode. Can you sign this comic, little girl?" Creepy in more ways than one.

The Off Brand T.P. Roundup: Enormous, Nutty Speed Round

The successful reboot of the Star Trek franchise has inspired us at EADJ to reboot an old favorite, The Off Brand T.P. Roundup. To breathe fresh new life into this blog bit, we've dispensed with the long, ponderous paragraphs describing every last nuance of the toilet paper on our bums and have reduced each review to a few choice words:


Brand: Tri Soft Single Ply
Texture: Like flattened barnacles
Effectiveness: Just "tri" and wipe without shrieking for help.


Brand: Red & White Bath Tissue- Tejido Fino Del Cuarto De Baño
Texture: Similar to prickly pear cacti in the Tex/Mex border.
Effectiveness: It's named "Red & White" for a reason. Just look after using.


Brand: Mont Royal, whose name implies royalty and regality.
Texture: Like the underside of a manservant's sandals.
Effectiveness: It does the job, but not without a severe beating.


Brand: Marcal 'Small Steps,' which boasts 'a small, easy step to a greener world.'
Texture: Like treebark on a roll.
Effectiveness: The name 'small steps' actually refers to how you'll walk after tearing your ass up with this.


Brand: Sanibel, which sounds like a heifer cow's name
Texture: Feels not unlike straddling a belt sander.
Effectiveness: Hard to tell through all the tears.


Brand: Emerald Premium 2-Ply Toilet Tissue
Texture: Like a Kansas tornado tore through your colon and dropped you in Oz.
Effectiveness: "If I Only Had An Ass."





Brand: Unnamed Pink Ribboned Roll
Texture: Much like a carrot grater banana seat.
Effectiveness: About as effective as praying it off.


Brand: "PS" Prime Source
Texture: Somehow less comfortable than using the wrapper it came in.
Effectiveness: 100% removal of all poop, skin.
p.s. I love you


Brand: Coral Bathroom Tissue
Texture: Like snapping off a jagged piece of rock out of the barrier reef and throwing that up your crack.
Effectiveness: I don't want to talk about it.


Brand: I know this is not off-brand, but Charmin "Basic"
Texture: Basically, a no-frills ride through Abu Ghraib.
Effectiveness: Works. Does the job. And it completely worthy of the method in which it is displayed:

The Infection Spreads.

Some EADJ readers might remember a December entry which featured an elderly woman about to eat her husband's head:


Well, we don't want to alarm you and cause a widespread panic, but she has apparently bitten a few other people since then. Most notably some folks in a Western Union campaign at Grand Central:






Fucking terrifying.

BRAAAAIIINNNS!

Check out the cover of this month's Thrive(?) Magazine:




Fucking terrifying.