How To Judge The Tom Select "Jesse Stone" Movies As If They Were Colognes

Cologne: Innocents Lost

Shape of Bottle: A large glass gavel

Base Note: Suede leather

Top Note: Virgin urine

Marketing Tagline: "A fragrance to celebrate the age of consent."

Cologne: Night Passage

Shape of Bottle: A glass tunnel formed by shrubs

Base Note: Corpse

Top Note: Wet morning grass

Marketing Tagline: "What to wear when she'll let you go down that alley."

Cologne: No Remorse

Shape of Bottle: A gigantic metallic smug goatee

Base Note: Swag

Top Note: Pig testosterone

Marketing Tagline: "Terrible first date? Whatever."

Cologne: Sea Change

Shape of Bottle: A glass version of Beck's seminal 2002 album "Sea Change"

Base Note: Sea foam

Top Note: Pocket change

Marketing Tagline: "When she smells this shit on you, SEA her expression CHANGE."

Cologne: Thin Ice

Shape of Bottle: A glass shard of ice (or an ice shard of glass?)

Base Note: Aqua Velva

Top Note: Icy Hot

Marketing Tagline: "The most romantic icepack for groin injuries"

Cologne: Stone Cold

Shape of Bottle: A tiny glass gazebo, by the looks of it

Base Note: Curiosity

Top Note: Mango farts

Marketing Tagline: "Hide that chicken wing scent before picking her up."

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of January 19

Here are the latest Twitter hashtags that are NOT trending:

#jenesuispasCharlie

#peasporridgefuck

#abortionselfie

#greygoose&quik

#santorum2016

#Frozenspeculum

#EmilyBluntslintrollercollection

#explainingthesewelts

#icameinyourkayak

#WoodyAllenswag

#averyspecial2BrokeGirls

#straplessdressweepingwound

#bringbackleno

#nipplesshapedlikeconnecticut

#srirachadouche

Et Tu, Wawa?

Spotted in South Jersey:

High Dick, Low Dick

If there's one thing that Joel will not tolerate, it's lice.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough had tussled with some farm animals at the Handon Mall's free petting zoo last week and had somehow caught the lice there. It could have been either the goats or the children, quite frankly.

The chimp servant had neglected to bathe afterwards and had gone straight to preparing Joel's dinner, fricasseed dick with pesto. Then Joel had instructed it to do some dusting all around the apartment.

Long story short, the chimp servant had transmitted lice all over Joel's futon, papa san, flip 'n fuck, his gaming chair, his ceiling-mounted wicker hanging chair, and his director's chair with DICKMASTER printed on the back.

The apartment will be fumigated, and Joel will be forced to sleep at the Doubletree. The chimp servant will temporarily sleep under a 405 overpass.

(pictured above, apparently people on the East coast have EXTREMELY long commutes and never have to pee)