Three Chords And the Pathmark

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 20: "Santa's Little Helper" Starring Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, Paige, & Annalynne McCord

I have to start here by wondering aloud- Who is this movie for? It's got Santa and elves, so it could be a kid's movie, but then there are vomit jokes, crotch shots and sexual innuendo, so it could be for teenagers. Then it stars Annalynne McCord from the old 90210 show and the pro wrestlers "The Miz" and Paige, it could be for Millennials or really dumb adults. I dunno man. It's produced by WWE, so it must be some kind of resume builder for somebody. I'd stop short of calling it a vanity project for The Miz, because he looks like a jackass in this. They all do, really. I feel like a jackass reviewing it.

Plot summary: "After getting fired from his job, a slick, fast-talking businessman (The Miz) is thrown into an elf competition to become Santa¹s next second-in-command. Put through a series of rigorous training exercises to prepare for the contest, The Miz and another aspiring elf go head-to-head in the hopes of becoming Santa's Little Helper."

Romance Factor: 5 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 5 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 1:26:25

UAG, or "Sometimes, You Just Don't Have Time For A Quality Blog Entry"

Epilogue To Unnamed Project

After the debacle of Project B_____ after an Unnamed Organization started getting pissy about it (the exact OPPOSITE of Jerald's reaction), some readers have been asking who our confederate at that organization and if they're doing okay. Their report:

The end of the (tale) is that the (unusual) (parcel) has all been (distributed) and is in the (claws) of (folks) who (uttered)...."yeah, I can really use that. (Also, Dita Von Teese skateboard ragamuffin One-dollar-per-year-in-business as a Christmas bonus was really fucking cheap.)"

Since Unnamed Organization has been known to screen their emails, key words have been altered with synonyms (in parenthesis) and an additional fake sentence has been added to the end to confuse any automatic or manual searches to track down and discipline said confederate. Your identity is safe with us, dear confederate!

High Dick, Low Dick

If there's one thing that Joel will not tolerate, it's lice.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough had tussled with some farm animals at the Handon Mall's free petting zoo last week and had somehow caught the lice there. It could have been either the goats or the children, quite frankly.

The chimp servant had neglected to bathe afterwards and had gone straight to preparing Joel's dinner, fricasseed dick with pesto. Then Joel had instructed it to do some dusting all around the apartment.

Long story short, the chimp servant had transmitted lice all over Joel's futon, papa san, flip 'n fuck, his gaming chair, his ceiling-mounted wicker hanging chair, and his director's chair with DICKMASTER printed on the back.

The apartment will be fumigated, and Joel will be forced to sleep at the Doubletree. The chimp servant will temporarily sleep under a 405 overpass.

(pictured above, apparently people on the East coast have EXTREMELY long commutes and never have to pee)