"If You Never Heal From What Hurt You, You'll Bleed on Pathmark Who Didn't Cut You."

From a Job I Was Applying For

Can I commute?

Some Bad But Available Porn Names

Welcome to the set, hot shot! Ready to film your first porno film? Great. I'm sure Terri got you all the tax and insurance forms to sight, right? Oh, and there's one more thing before we begin filming. You'll need to either come up with or pick out your own porn name. Here's a Pabst Blue Ribbon ashtray full of unused porn names which you're welcome to, but beware– they're pretty bad:

Him

Kirk O. Vin

Dick Engvalls

P. Mature Ejaculation

Joe Nevernude

Russ Undressing

Chui Balls

Her

Miss Cegenation

Ava Lanche

Bleached Dubois

Peaches Crematorium

Catherine Ummethyne Dumpster

Things To Watch Out For When Buying a Justice League-Branded Pen

Zack Snyder's mediocre Justice League movie has come and gone, but its merchandising slug trail remains. But if you're keen on purchasing a Justice League 888 Infinite Collection pen from the Swiss  company Caran d’Ache, you're in luck. But here are some pros and cons of buying one of these expensive writing tools ($9.99/each):

Hero Pen: The Flash

Pros: Pop the button, and the nib instantly appears!

Cons: Runs out of ink fast

Hero Pen: Superman

Pros: Almost indestructible

Cons: Quits after three movies

Hero Pen: Wonder Woman

Pros: Survives for decades

Cons: Doesn't have pockets to store

Hero Pen: Aquaman

Pros: Waterproof

Cons: Pointless

Hero Pen: Batman

Pros: Writes nice and dark

Cons: Cannot physically draw a smiley face

Hero Pen: Cyborg

Pros: Lots of working mechanical parts

Cons: Cries like a mangled teenager

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of October 17

Let's face it. Most people on Twitter have no idea what they're talking about. Some of them can barely put together a subject and a predicate. But even THEY have standards when it comes to using hashtags. The following hashtags have never trended and are available for you to use free of charge:

#douchingwhileoffroading

#ilove2016election

#BillyBushFanClub

#boogersculptures

#financialadvicefrombabies

#killingmesoftlywithhisknife

#nerfdildo

#electriceameschair

#spankingtheHulk

#nutallergyYOLO

#seamonkeyerotica

#srirachababyformula

#bestpalswithChrisChristie

#thongscentedcandles

The Maddening Complexities of the New Jersey Transit Survey Brochure

Commuting to New York from New Jersey is both a frustrating and harrowing ordeal, twice a day. NJ Transit has attempted to gauge riders' satisfaction levels with an online survey, and here is the flyer that they placed on all the train seats one morning:

So, neat. A survey brochure. I was about to simply throw this thing away until I noticed the odd configuration of the people in the photo. Something about the way they were engaging was unnatural, artistic or subconsciously obscene. Or all three. Here now we dissect this photo, the possible motivations of each person in the photo, and the overall message that it's trying to convey.

In order to explore all the intricacies and subtleties of this photo, however, it is important that we tag the people in the shot. The following is an arbitrary assignment for clarification purposes. These are not the real names of the models. We'll find those out one day.

"Jesse" represents the everyman spectator. He is content observing the action from a distance, allowing himself sufficient time to react before jumping in.

"Jess" is more of an engager. Basking in the glow of the giant orange starburst, her extroverted ways allow her to seize moments and even cause change. Her spirit animal is the gazelle.

"Angie" is the out-of-touch introvert. She longs for social interaction- and perhaps even a moment of intimacy- but her shyness and the fact that she's stuck in another row keep her from achieving her goals. She gets shit for pay.

"Trina" is the jezebel flirt. With her tits out and her head thrown back, she uses her feminine wiles to advance her agenda, whether it be get into the boss' pants or get into the boss' brother's pants. What a hoo-ore.

"Don With The Thumbs" shares the same situation as "Angie" but acts to better himself. He actively throws himself over into the conversation, becoming THE focal point of the entire picture. His shameless two thumbs point everyone's eyeline his way. Some may describe his methods as crude and Macchiavellian.

"Simon Peter" is what's known as a 'passive enforcer.' He tries nobly to redirect the energy of the train car back into the originally intended center of the group. His role here is a foil to "Don With The Thumbs," arguably to little effect.

Some of you might notice that there is both a "Jesse" and a "Jess," which could lead to confusion. Why would we name two people next to each other so similarly when we had tens of thousands of other names to pick instead? Good question.

And for those of you who deal in Tarot cards, here are the character analogs:

Jesse = Judgement

Jess = Strength

Angie = The Hermit

Trina = The High Priestess

Don With The Thumbs = Death

Simon Peter = The Fool

The overall chi of the train car can also be observed and measured, as the following chart indicates, assigning attention points per interaction:

The complexities of this photo can be appreciated even more when placed in context with other seemingly unrelated items. For example, here is a picture hanging in a New York Au Bon Pain (it means "of the bread"):

Now, watch what happens when we take this innocent photo and overlay it on the NJ Transit brochure:

Boom! The composition is virtually identical! Jesse turns into a pretzel loaf, Jess becomes the fluffy pumpernickel, Angie turns into an oversized bagel, Trina melds into a San Francisco sourdough, and Simon Peter's pointing finger becomes a serrated knife with sweetrolls. UNCANNY.

As we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the meaning, context and cultural repercussions of this amazing photo, we will continue to examine the layers of meaning in this masterwork in installments, i.e. EADJ blog segments.

An Imagined Conversation.

"What do you call those helicopter things?"
"Helicopter things?"
"Those helicopter seeds."
"I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"I'm talking about those seeds that twirl like helicopters when they fall from trees."
"You mean sycamore seeds?"
"Yeah, that's it."
"Why do you ask?"
"No reason."

High Dick, Low Dick

If there's one thing that Joel will not tolerate, it's lice.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough had tussled with some farm animals at the Handon Mall's free petting zoo last week and had somehow caught the lice there. It could have been either the goats or the children, quite frankly.

The chimp servant had neglected to bathe afterwards and had gone straight to preparing Joel's dinner, fricasseed dick with pesto. Then Joel had instructed it to do some dusting all around the apartment.

Long story short, the chimp servant had transmitted lice all over Joel's futon, papa san, flip 'n fuck, his gaming chair, his ceiling-mounted wicker hanging chair, and his director's chair with DICKMASTER printed on the back.

The apartment will be fumigated, and Joel will be forced to sleep at the Doubletree. The chimp servant will temporarily sleep under a 405 overpass.

(pictured above, apparently people on the East coast have EXTREMELY long commutes and never have to pee)