The ProofrEADJer: Mid-August Edition

Some Unknown Perks of the AMC Stubs Card

If you're already a member of AMC Stubs, you already know that you receive tons of great movie benefits, like a free large popcorn refill with every visit, waived online ticketing fees, and a $5 reward for every 5,000 points earned! But did you know that being a member also gets you these terrific, exclusive rewards? Check 'em out!

• Free packet of Twizzlers for your moviegoing group

• One free mini-poster for every movie on opening night that you attend

• The ticket taker will respectfully avoid any eye contact with you

• Ushers will inspect your seat for bombs or booby traps before you sit down

• If you require close captioning, a cue card boy will be standing at the front under the screen

• 100% total immunity from the next Purge

• Your AMC Stubs card dissolves in water for quick, potent pain relief

• Free blumpkin from the senior employee of your choice (must choose before movie starts)

• 30% off all speeding tickets for the rest of your life

• Dine-in theatres only: pre-show wine tastings and social mixer in the skybox

• The ability to spit on non AMC Stubs members

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On Names of Sample Tubes In A Medical Lab

We all know that Tinseltown is plumb out of ideas. Desperate to find the next big movie franchise, the major film studios have resorted to a "Smart Label Barcode Placement" poster in a random medical screening lab in Vauxhall, NJ.  Here now are the movies that have been greenlit for 2017 release:

"SST and Red Top" starring Steven Seagal and Jesse Tyler Ferguson. A Black Ops "Super Soldier Tactician" on the run (Seagal) has to go undercover and partners up with an unwilling suburban dad (Ferguson) to prove that the government had framed him. Also starring a bunch of precocious child actors. Rated PG-13.

"Lavender" starring Kirsten Dunst, Eva Longoria. and Anthony LaPaglia. A hard-nosed detective (LaPaglia) investigating corporate espionage gets caught up in the erotic, sensual world of perfume manufacturing with two of the industry's major players (Dunst and Longoria). There's supposed to be about 20 minutes of full nudity in this one, folks. Tits and dick.

"Blue Top" starring the voices of Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, and Leslie Mann. This raunchy CGI animated romp follows the adventures of some foul-mouthed produce in a supermarket after hours. A psycho carrot (Arnett), a moody head of lettuce (Galifianakis) and an imperious squash (Mann) wage war against the mild-mannered fruit (voiced by Justin Long, Michael Cera and Charlene Yi).

"Urine Tube" starring Nicolas Cage, Christian Slater and Woody Harrelson. An out-of-control medical train loaded with urine specimens must be stopped by an engineer (Cage), a mathematician (Slater) and a cowboy (Harrelson) before it makes contact with a convention center full of orphans. Also starring Chadwick Boseman as the Head of the PP Squad.

Trick Or Pathmark!

A Brief Commentary By Cement Bird On The News Of Republican Nominee Newt Gingrich Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

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WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged...

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and u sed it as a
mirror while he picked his
nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

 

FWD: DOGS ARE WONDERFUL BECAUSE...

 

 

THIS IS WONDERFUL.   GREAT PICTURES AND GREAT ADVICE.

Give me a sense of

humour;

Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,

to get some humour out of life,

and to the person receiving thisthe grace to pass it on to others.

=

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Hotmail: Free, trusted and rich email service. Get it now. =

Onward, Upward, and Inward.

Joel went to a flower show this week!

He attended "Reflections," a California Garden Club event in sunny Griffin Park. The good thing about this venue is the Visitors Center Auditorium, which seats about 2500 flower enthusiasts and can be converted into a fabulous show room.

Joel was hoping to view some hydrangeas and azaleas, his favorite flowers besides the dick. And although he did manage to catch a few arrangements that piqued his interest, he did notice that there were hardly any dick.

You see, flower shows in L.A. are notorious for not having enough dick. Joel has brought this up with the Los Angeles Flower District Association (the LAFD) multiple times, with no answer. But understandably, the LAFD has refused to include dick in most of their shows after a 2002 incident where Joel ate all of the dick on the first day. So there's that.

(pictured above, a self-styled music critic/vandal goes all aggro in Brooklyn)