Let's Shave Gyro Meat Off of the Sides of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Emily Kane, this article with a technically correct but very lazy photo caption: 

Some Upcoming Movie Releases Based On The Names of Flower Bouquets At Safeway

Having optioned every novel, comic book, television show, and short film property as full length feature films, the major studios in Hollywood have no choice but to start mining the floral section of the Safeway in College Park, Maryland for movie ideas. Because who wants to write original material anymore.

The following movies are already in production and are slated for theaters as soon as March 2016:

"Spider Mum," starring Sally Field, Andrew Garfield, and Topher Grace. Directed by Zach Znyder

Sony Pictures re-re-reboots the flagging Spider-Man series in the hope that people will still give a shit about a franchise that was fine the first time around. Sally Field reprises her role as Aunt May, but this time she's the one bitten by the radioactive spider and takes on the heavy responsibilities of fighting corruption in local politics and ensuring that four-way stop signs get installed around the local elementary school. Also starring Key & Peele as Doc Ock and Vulture.

"Pom" starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Stellan Skarsgård, and Chiwetel Ejiofor.

Three award-winning actors with hard to pronounce names turn down really terrific roles for a movie, mistakenly reading the script as "Porn" with poor kerning.

"Vibrant Orange Petite" starring Rebel Wilson, Amanda Seyfried and Beth Behrs. Directed by Elizabeth Banks.

The actress from Fat Amy from "Pitch Perfect" is back, starring as a girl who opens her own tanning salon (Orange Petite) across the street from the bitchy sorority sisters (Seyfried and Behrs) who already have a successful day spa FOR THIN GIRLS ONLY. Soundtrack by Meghan Trainor, Adele, Kelly Clarkson and Mary Lambert. That's mean.

"East Coasts Best" starring Chris Rock, Giancarlo Esposito, and Taraji P. Henson. Directed by McG.

A successful real estate tycoon (Esposito) hires a hip local comedian (Rock) as the face of his new condo business, with disastrous results. Also starring Patrick Warburton as Norman the Doorman.

"Lily Asiatic" starring Devon Aoki, Naomi Watts and Jon Cryer. Directed by Michael Bay and Peter Berg.

A naval captain (Watts) and a space station crewman (Cryer) team up to stop a deadly typhoon, a zombie outbreak and an alien invasion from devastating a Japanese island. Devon Aoki plays Lily, a marine biologist with an untapped supernatural power. CG by Jim Henson's Muppet Workshop. Script still pending.

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Pep Boys kind of screwed Joel.

He brought his beloved Mazda Miata in for a check-up and oil change Tuesday. What he thought was going to be a short transaction turned into a major Hasselhoff.

First, the fact that he talked to a non-English speaking clerk who didn't write anything down was a red flag. Then the fact that the dude let Joel eat his dick for payment was another. Also the fact that the dude had a "If there's grass on the field– play ball" t-shirt rather than a Pep Boys worksuit would be the third. So overall Joel shouldn't have tossed his keys (and salad) to the mysterious latin stranger.

So later on that day Joel came back to pick up his car, and no one had any record of any car being dropped off for repair. No record except a hilarious security tape of Joel tossing the janitor's salad.

(pictured above, Leoncie debuts her new brand of Icelandic lettuce)