Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories To Be Floated by InfoWars

Alex Jones, his toupee, and his group of talented writers are all working on the next batch of news stories conspiracy theories for their listeners. Here are the latest:

• The government is creating a national "postal service" where they will have government agents deliver mail TO YOUR HOME.

• Shrinky Dinks, when baked in the oven, released toxic chemicals into your kitchen to make you vote Democrat

• Taco Bell Cinnamon Crispas weren't a real Mexican dessert item. THEY WERE INVENTED BY PEPSICO

• Our staff did some research after listening to The Boomtown Rats and found out Boomtown does not exist, so those rats lied about where they're from

• In the Highlights Magazine segment "Goofus & Gallant", it turns out GOOFUS was the good guy all along!!!!!

• When you get a cramp in your leg while taking a shit, that's just Jesus saying "wassup" to you

UAG

An Imagined Conversation

"You unimaginative hack!"

"You backstabbing prick!"

"Whoa whoa whoa. Jared. Allison. What's going on here?"

"Hey Maxine. I'm glad your here. You can finally settle this."

"Settle what, Jared?"

"I just sent the new APPROVED ketchup label along with the specs to the printer, but Allison here suddenly has a problem with it now."

"You're damn right I do, and you tried to sneak it past me, you steamrolling prick!"

"Allison. We're all on the same brand team, here. Let's not use personal attacks. So what's the problem with the label, Allison?"

"Remember that design review last week when we recapped the typeface placement at the top?"

"Yes."

"Well, Maxine, look closely."

"..."

"Do you see it?"

"Wait. The hyphen is upside down now."

"Fucking THANK YOU."

"It's not upside down, Maxine. I saw it as an art mistake."

"But we approved it last week, Jared, you asshole."

"Yes it WAS approved. But I saw that it was a droplet that was mistakenly upside down and I corrected it before it went out."

"Why the fuck would there be a droplet in the place of an apostrophe, you dimwit?"

"Because it's a goddamned KETCHUP DROPLET on a goddamned KETCHUP BOTTLE, you cow!"

"Guys, guys guys. This is not constructive. We have to either let it go as is now or pull the entire label print run which will push us back two weeks. What's it gonna be?"

*conference door opens*

"Oh! I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm Seth, the new intern. I was just going to clean the room before the next meeting... oh hey, that's cool. A droplet as the apostrophe? Very cute detail! Okay, sorry to interrupt your brainstorm, guys. I'll come back later!"