The ProofrEADJer: Didn't-We-Just-Do-One-Of-These-Last-Week Edition

This one is more missing a word than misspelled:

Nice to learn that Saturn's sixth moon is also a 16th Century Renaissance painter:

Here Are Your Timesheets for The Week of September 3

Begin forwarded message:

From: Ham Kingers <hamkingers9@mac.com>
Date: August 17, 2011 1:05:13 PM EDT
To: "All Company (SKS)" <all@skscorp.com>
Subject: TIMESHEETS- DO TODAY

Hi everyone. It's Ham Kingers. Most of you probably don't know me by my name- I'm the "weird guy" whose office is over by the recycling bin you probably laugh at. Whatever. It's open floor plan and I can hear everything.

I've been tasked with reminding the entire office to turn in your timesheets today. Don't ignore my pleas just because I'm the "loner in the break room" or that I "stare creepily at people getting coffee." Just do your duty and I will skulk back to my hidey hole forever.

Here are the job numbers:

82246: Submitting your resignation

02585: Taking it all in (and not in a dirty way)

095327: Hearing the IT guy rant about Farscape again.

816650: Finding out who the hell Ham Kingers is

400319: Showing some nips

529934: Lying about free food being in the kitchen

333969: Hovering above mediocrity

525997: Demoralizing the team

013110: Showing off your prosthetic to the client

684373: Washing your ass in the drinking fountain

035000: Stalking Justin Theroux

The ProofrEADJer, November Edition

What The "Plus" Means In Many Instances

Ultra Plus

"Plus" = anything that regular Ultra doesn't offer, which is pretty ridiculous since "Ultra" should mean you get a lot already. Which means plain Ultra is just a fucking ripoff.

Ensure Plus

"Plus" = pink diarrhea!

Boost Plus

"Plus" =  also pink diarrhea!

Fiber Plus

"Plus" = a yard-long turd

Backup Plus

"Plus" = why are all these about poop?

Officejet Pro 8600 Plus

"Plus" = four color cartridges that run out of ink after printing one resume.

Discount Food Store Plus

"Plus" = an impressive entire aisle devoted to do-rags.

K&S Curtains Plus

"Plus" = The drapes. Which should match the curtains. Wink wink.

Frontline Plus for dogs

"Plus" = an irrational fear that you're going to drive them to "the farm."

Star Alliance Business Class Elite Plus

"Plus" = You get to board 3 minutes before the other schlubs.

Das Gesunde Plus

"Plus" = "scabies," but in German.

Skim Plus

"Plus" = fat. Which means Skim Plus is just regular milk.

Playmobil Special Plus

"Plus" =  The lingering uncertainty that your child might be choking on a plastic flamingo.

Cal Stat Plus

"Plus" = Raccoon rabies. Which is different from scabies in that it doesn't affect your skin as much as it makes you go completely batshit insane and rummage through your neighbors' trash cans looking for a fish bone.

WeTransfer Plus

"Plus" = $5 to keep us from sharing your personal information to a marketing group in Saudi Arabia.

We Escalate The Stupidity

Few things have baffled me more than finding a random, uncaptioned framed photo of a scowling young man with wet hair hanging in a local Walgreens store. "Who is he?" and "Why is his photo hanging there?" were burning questions that we have discussed on this blog. While we may never find the answer to this mystery, we can at least continue to antagonize the store where it was hanging.



The removal of the photo seemed like this was the end to our hijinks, as we had planned to keep adding objects (hats, monocles, etc) to the young man's photo. But inspiration struck: if there is no photo now, what else could we put there in its place? So, weeks pass before we move on to phase two of this project. (The long hiatus was partly blamed on the ice storm that hit New Jersey, and partly because I'm kind of a lazy-ass.)

So after purchasing a cheap photo frame and speaking to a confederate, we were ready to act:




Drum roll please...




Here is a video clip showing what it would look like for a shopper to discover that picture:



We plan to check back on Wednesday to see if the photo is still there. Stay tuned, true believers!

Racist Appliances Return!

Way back in March, we introduced the Racist Appliances, a segment that ran for only a couple of entries.

Out of a lack of anything better to blog about, here we revisit those biased household electronics:

EADJ FTW!

Hey, remember that July EADJ entry where we totally ragged on TGI Fridays' chef / "food dude" Guy Fieri?


Well, I guess he couldn't take it, cuz look how sad he is now on a more recent menu cover.


EADJ fucked your mother, Fieri! Cock a doodle ballsack!

So Many Questions.

1) Does my Dad read any of his caps before leaving the house?

2) If he does, is Dad a fan of Hootie & The Blowfish?

3) Which does he like better, "Let Her Cry" or "I Only Wanna Be With You?"

4) Did Hootie & The Blowfish really come out 10 years ago?

5) Hootie & The Blowfish are still together?

6) Where in the hell were they giving out free Hootie & The Blowfish schwag?

7) Or more disturbingly, where did Dad buy Hootie & The Blowfish merch?

8) If my Dad had met Darius Rucker, did he call him Darius or Hootie?

9) If Darius Rucker had met my Dad, did he call him "Cesar" or "Dr. Estoye," or "dude?"

10) Is that a hockey stick?

11) Did my Dad get carded at the entrance to the 9:30 Club in downtown D.C.?



***UPDATE*** After a quick Google search, a special Hootie and the Blowfish 10th Anniversary event was found here. My Dad has mentioned volunteering for golf outings before, and he does indeed frequent Myrtle Beach.

Mystery solved!

(So that's not a hockey stick.)