“Life Shrinks or Expands in Proportion To One's Pathmark.”

Pardon Me Boy, Is That The Racist Appliances

The Latest Hollywood Films Based On Names of Various Scented Candles

Once again, the four major film studios in Tinseltown raid the nearby Walgreens shelves for some or ANY ideas for a new script. Here are the latest offerings:

"Tranquil Retreat," starring Tommy Lee Jones and Amber Heard

A retired Army general reconnects with his estranged daughter when forced to move in with her at her lake home. Also starring Stephen Dorff as a misguided staff sergeant.

"Just Picked," starring Kristen Bell, Adrien Brody, and Zach Braff. The wacky, unpredictable single lives of some freelance wine pickers in Sonoma Valley during the height of picking season. The parties, the triumphs, the heartbreak of a ruined crop- this is the side of wine picking that you never get to see.

"Vanilla Celebration," starring Mark Wahlberg, Paul Reubens, Alan Cumming, Seth Rogan, Colin Firth, James Franco, Helena Bonham Carter, Amy Adams, Jeremy Renner, and Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

A shitload of white people throw a party. The cops do not come and knock on their door about the noise.

"Home Linens" starring Bruce Dern, Danny Devito, Jeff Bridges and Steven Seagal. From the makers of "Nebraska," this movie follows the story of a bedridden retired ad copywriter who shat his bed and must rely on his three poker buddies who are coming in two hours to help clean this shit up.

"Grandma's Kitchen," starring Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry.

No plot summary given.

"Day's End," starring Willem Dafoe, Cameron Diaz, and Robert Englund.

A post-apocalyptic story about a humble toll collector (Willem Dafoe) who becomes the leader of a small group of survivors to battle the dreaded mutant zombie army (led by Englund). Soundtrack by Hans Zimmer.

"Indigo Nights," starring Vanessa Hudgens, Lou Diamond Phillips, and Zac Efron.

A bangin' Vegas casino nightclub Indigo, run by an evil mob boss/drug kingpin (Phillips) gets taken down by a crafty, tech-savvy waitress (Hudgens) and a blackjack dealer (Efron). It's "Oceans 11" meets "High School Musical."

"'Sweet Pea,' based on 'Precious,' based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire,' starring Gabourey Sidibe and Jesse Eisenberg.

This behind-the-scenes fake-documentary of the making-of the 2010 movie "Precious" documents all the table reads, concept meetings, and budget catch-ups that the filmmaker's underwent. Sounds horrible.

"Autumn Evenings" is actually not a new movie script, but a new branded Massengill douche scent to tie in with the upcoming "Night At The Museum: Secret of the Tomb," coming December 19.

Granny Say What?

"Give it all you've got?" Does a Granny really say that? Is that even #17 on the list of things she'd ever say? "Give it all you've got?" Is Granny the head coach of the Houston Oilers now? "Give it all you've got?" Why not "Get some?" "Go big or go home?" "Pain is temporary; victory is forever?"

"Give it all you've got?" Jesus, Granny, you need to lay off the 'roids and pick up knitting again. You're scaring me.

The EADJ Crappinema FINALLY Reviews "Jeremy's Family Reunion"

We totally lied back in June of last year when we said this review was "coming soon." It's now March, and we finally release another disappointing EADJ segment making fun of a crappy movie you've never heard of. Let me tell you, I have no excuse for not delivering this sooner, and I promise to deliver the next EADJ Crappinema entry in a shorter timeframe than it takes to gestate a goddamned baby.


And the production values drop 4000% from the menu screen once you click on the "play" button.


















































Don't believe me? Here's the scene (rebroadcast for review purposes only):











The movie ends in a montage showing what happens to each character, since I guess they ran out of film- er, videotape:











Low budget movie with low production values and low humor, with a main character that doesn't learn anything, other than not to trust white women. Even the old platitude about "family comes first" wasn't even served up, which I guess is to the writer's credit. Overall, I feel like I've just attended a family reunion with cardboard standees, and someone never bothered to even turn on any music.

Overall grade: F