We Are The Future.

Left: A promotional poster for a slap championship.

Right: The Presidential cabinet from "Idiocracy".

Info Wars Latest Conspiracies

"We'll see you at 11, but here are some dumbshit conspiracies we're working on:"

• Cryptocurrencies like bitcoin or dogecoin are actually the harvested souls of Egyptian slaves that will drag you to Hell when you try to cash them in.

• Those "Clipper Saver" coupon books you get in the mail actually contain coded messages from D.B. Cooper, who is alive and well and building a secret media empire from Washington state.

• Oprah is actually Tyler Perry.

• The Purina "HiPro Glow" commercials from the 90s were time traveling warnings about genetic testing and were actually radioactive, giving cancer to anyone who watched them on TV.

• Donald Trump is a regular, trustworthy guy who is selflessly acting in the best interests of this country and all its citizenry, but the evil, dishonest media is conspiring to foil him at every turn.

• On the 80s show "Fame," every time they sang the word "fame" in the theme song, the Jews would kidnap another Christian pet.

Old Man Rant Of The Day

This was spotted in one of those non-newspapers "am New York," a publication that apparently finds it necessary to print people's tweets. On paper.

Now, I know all about Twitter and tweets and hashtags and shit, so don't think I'm some septuagenarian who just logged on with an America Online 6.0 CD. But what the fuck is this? Is that even a complete sentence? (Answer: no). This encapsulates everything I hate about Twitter: The inarticulate "ugh." The sentence that begins with "when," apparently adopting a format that other Twitter users have used to conserve precious characters, when in fact @jessakeller could have saved even more characters by writing correctly: "It's so much colder than I anticipated."

Was that so hard, Jessa? Moron.

Then I hate the fact that Twitter users (tweeters?) throw hashtags at the end to complete the message: that she was unprepared; that she regretted not checking the weather; that she was currently taking the bus; and that she hopes her collection of words makes it into the local rag.

Let's be honest here. Hashtags aren't efficient- they're fucking LAZY. It's a cheap way for someone to clarify what they're talking about without having to craft their sentences into something readable. What they're doing is throwing parts of a sentence at you and making YOU do all the work. Which is a big hint that what they're saying wasn't important enough for them to take the time to write properly. "When" my ass. #YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!

<\rant> Amen.

Lobsterfest® Fists Your Lobster!

Lobsterfest® enters its 40th spectacular week, and we at Red Lobster are still finding exciting and succulent ways for you to enjoy lobster! Here are just a few of the latest new ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• We mail you a Lobsterfest® postcard, which you bring into Red Lobster for a special Lobsterfest® scratch-off game piece. The game piece has four codes which you scratch off one-at-a-time, then compare with the codes posted on our in-store display. If two of your codes match those on the display in both number and color, you are automatically entered in our online raffle for two tickets to the next Red Lobster contest! That's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We go to Chinatown and find any guy there named "Doug Chen." We convince Doug that you're somehow related to him and arrange for a big family reunion dinner at Red Lobster. When he arrives, you and your family pretend to know and love him, creating this long-time familial bond that Doug Chen never had growing up. Then when the check comes around for the expensive lobster, everyone ducks out, leaving poor ol' Doug Chen with the bill! Yet another fantastic way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Against our better judgment, we roll a gigantic fucking doob in the shape of a lobster and give it to some college sophomores. The students smoke the weed and talk about the universe always expanding and all, then they fall asleep before the pizza even gets here. That's one great way you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We hire Jake Busey as a "lobster-consultant." Jake's enormous teeth act as both a deflector for lobster critics and an effective crushing device to crack open tough lobster shells for guests. We award our new lobster consultant with the Medal Of Valor, an honor that only military or public safety personnel who have served with gallantry usually get. Sure, that could act as another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. I guess.

Stay tuned for even more incredible lobster deals during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Time To De-friend Two People

Salad Problems.

I go to this place on 42nd St. and 3rd Avenue for salads. It's a good place because they mix it in for you then toss it with whatever dressing you want. But the last few times I've gone over there, the dressing guy has called me "Ma'am." Yeah.


I thought at first that maybe he's calling me "Man," but he's called other men in line "Sir." And I've heard him use "Ma'am" for all the women. So what the fuck, dude? Do I really look like a woman?


After like the third time he called me that, I started speaking really loudly in a manly voice to the ingredients guy (who calls me "Sir") so dressing guy could pick up on it. I'd say things like "I WANT CUCUMBERS, BLUE CHEESE, AND BEAN SPROUTS," in the deepest voice I could muster. And that still didn't work. I still got "Ma'am" from dressing guy.

So I took a photo of myself at that place to see what dressing guy sees. Turns out, I do look like an Asian lesbian in the right light. Or maybe all the time. Or maybe dressing guy thinks I'm a woman because I've been loading up on salads so much, and my choice of ingredients emphasizes my owning a vagina. Whatever.


If you or some dude you know keeps getting mistaken for a lesbian, maybe it's time you took a good look at yourself and changed your haircut or stopped going to lesbian marches with your arm around your girlfriend. Or maybe you could parlay that mistaken identity into a wacky comedy starring Kal Penn and Margaret Cho.

A Classic from the EADJ Vault

Dated November 21, 2005.