Forty Ways To Leave Your Lover Pray Lent

1) Just turn on the guilt, Wilt

2) Learn how to pray, Ray

3) Get down on your knees, Reese

4) Stop eating meat on Fridays, Pete on Fridays

5) Open your heart to God, Todd

6) Learn how to connect with God in solitude, Evinrude

7) Have some faith, Faith

8) Open yourself up to Grace, Willie Mays

9) Learn humility, Dee

10) Pray for mercy, Percy

11) Ask for forgiveness, Ingres

12) Contemplate, Kate

13) Remember the spirit of Lent, Kent

14) Learn to trust the Lordy, Gordy

15) Testify on your behalf, Jeff

16) Evangelize, Plies

17) Get filled with the spirit, Garrett

18) Learn to believe, Steve

19) Give all your soul, Noel

20) Walk in God's path, McGrath

21) Learn about service, Pervis

22) Commit yourself to devotion, Billy Ocean

23) Follow Jesus, Beezus

24) Feel God's presence, Nemitz

25) Throw yourself upon the altar, Walter

26) Read a lot of Scripture, Mitch-er

27) Rest on the Sabbath-a, Tabitha

28) Ask for Him to cleanse you, Lorenzu

29) Anticipate the Rapture, Baxter

30) Recite the Apostle's Creed, Reid

31) Walk in His shadow, Rachel Maddow

32) Fast when you can, Dan

33) Don't judge your peers, Piers

34) Testify, Guy

35) Sing some Psalms, Holmes

36) Pray for wisdom, Idiot

37) Confess your trespasses, Onassis

38) Strive to live humbly, Humphrey

39) Swallow your pride, Clyde

40) Reassess your life decisions and reconcile, Kyle

I Can't Believe There's Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Just when we thought we'd seen every last generic brand of toilet paper, we go take a poop somewhere public and are confronted with yet another EADJ bit (or bits, since the paper is so fragile).

Brand: Green Heritage

Label: Wavy green leaves, separated by undulating white lines.

Feels Like: Wiping with somebody's old family tree chart.

Brand: Keep It Green

Label: What looks like a piece of sod, decorated with a butterfly and a FOOTBALL?!

Feels Like: Getting blitzed by linebackers in your ain-hole.

Brand: Slurp Ass Surpass

Label: Brown tobacco leaves or brown coffee beans, plus a disturbing asterix near the name (is that a drawing of an asshole?)

Feels Like: Falling off the back seat of a motorcycle in short shorts and landing on the back tire at 80mph.

Brand: Soft Touch

Label: Plain lettering over a Tiffany blue background

Feels Like: Somebody lied.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Facebook.

I ain't the most religious person in the world, but I'm pretty sure none of that vague inspirational crap on your "Message From God" Facebook app isn't based on scripture. Unless you count "Love Is..." comic strips as New Testament.

Let's Ask the EADJ Mail Sack To Speak To Their Manager!

Submitted by Bill Dow: "Awesome."

Joel owes dick.

Experian, Equifax and Transunion tried to contact Joel regarding his terrible credit score. All three credit report companies usually take an impartial, hands-off approach with individuals' scores, but Joel's shockingly low score has melted their stone-cold hearts and moved them to try to help him.

It all began when Joel promised to pay some Honduran dude to eat his dick. Months went by and the Honduran dude kept on asking Joel to pay up, but Joel never returned his calls. Instead, he started eating other Honduran dudes' dicks, offering them money for the pleasure and leaving a trail of IOU's. As luck would have it, most of those Honduran dudes work for a very powerful collection agency in Tegucigalpa. The collection agency, unfortunately named El No Payo Uppo Y Ruin Yo Credito Scoro, tried many, many times to collect from Joel, but he just laughed it off or told them they had the wrong number.

Fast forward 3 years to today. Joel's credit score is somewhere below 320. He cannot borrow from the bank now to build his "dream house with a dick-eating grotto." He is refused a New Releases rental at every Blockbuster store, and most bait shops demand payment up front from him.

EADJ is sad to report that Joel now refuses to return any phone calls from Experian, Equifax, and Transunion, even though they've been leaving messages on his machine that say they're desperately worried about him.

Attention Joel: STOP EATING DICK AND ANSWER THE PHONE. We're all worried about your debts (even though none of us will lend you that fiver you keep asking for).

(pictured above, Matt Spett enlists the help of a Best Buy employee to fix his computer)