Showing posts with label snarkiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label snarkiness. Show all posts

Friday, October 6, 2017

Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains How To Publish Your Own Book



1) First, just get words on paper; work on your manuscript done. Once your manuscript is ready, use a self-publishing service to put your book in front of readers. Learn from their feedback to make an even better follow-up title.

2) Find an editor. While not required for self-publishing, editors can help make your story flow better, strengthen plots and characters, spot inconsistencies, and generally make your book more interesting and approachable in both fiction and nonfiction.

3) Find the right distributor. Don't use any book publishing service which demands an up-front fee and/or an excessive cut of sales revenue—there's simply no reason to pay for expensive vanity publishers anymore. Instead, use a service like Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing. Similar self-publishing services are offered by Barnes & Noble (through Nook Press), Apple (through iTunes Connect) and others, but Amazon's is one of the most widely available platforms and is easy to use.

And speaking of Apple, if you need your iPhone charged in my limo, I have both an old fashioned 6-pin cord and one of the new "lightining" cables. So keep your cool and don't start shouting about my "old piece of shit car" when I've clearly kept with the times. Be safe, kids.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Coming Soon: The Soft Nougat Of Montelimar



Towering over the crumbled wasteland of processed snacks and inorganic foodstuffs stands the noble, the mighty, the golden Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

[Play this music while reading on]



O Grandiloquent,
O Vaunted,
O Most High Soft Nougat


Upon The Bounteous Peaks of Montelimar
Ye Standeth as a Clarion Beacon
Bearing witness to the mortal struggles of the lowly chemical snacks
The foul, superficial brittleness of the crisp
The vulgar impurity of the milk chocolate
The base, waxy peanuttiness of the peanut butter wafer
All lie as mere dirt between the toes of servants to the Most Pure Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

With Honey of Lavendar
And Misspelled Glucose Syrop
Thy bounty showers forth in a Vanilla Aroma most Natural

Sending forth the sensations of taste in a combination unseen heretofore!
Laying to waste and dust generations of inferior apƩritifs!

IT IS A PRODUCT OF FRANCE.

Bow before the Nougat, unworthy Pringle!
Bow before the Nougat, undeserving Chiclet!
Bow before your Master, Bite-Sized Pretzel!
Bow before your King, all ye inferior snacks, both salty and sweet!


BOW BEFORE THE EXALTED, THE MOST HIGH SOFT NOUGAT OF MONTELIMAR!



Available at Whole Foods and some GNCs. May contain eggs.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Canon Rebellion Mutiny Uprising!



(pictured above, 2 snarky signs show up around Canons 1 and 2)