Six Lies Told By The Kansas City Zoo Brochure

1) Not all white monkeys at the zoo take care of little black monkeys. That would be fucked up.

2) Not always a NEW adventure. If you're been to the zoo in the past three weeks, it's the same damn adventure. The question is, why are you coming back to the zoo so soon after visiting the first time?

3) "The belly flops and underwater flips entertain all ages." That's a lie. Any kid between 14-19 would rather crush candy or flip Angry Birds or whatever the fuck.

4) The ski-lift thingie isn't NEARLY as fun as these two enthusiastic people will have you believe. 

5) Not closed only on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day. They're also closed on Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Holy Shit A Lion Has Escaped And Has Mauled 14 People Day

6) Dick Cheney not always there.

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EADJ is proud to announce a new line of Six Lies Told Hot Pockets and Lean Pockets. The Six Lies Told Hot Pockets contains new flavors like Beef Potato, Green Bean Mudslide, and Corrugated Cardboard. The Six Lies Told Lean Pockets feature new flavors like Rice Cakes, Filet O Fish, Grey Milky Discharge, and Son Of A Bitch. Look for the Six Lies Told Hot Pockets and Lean Pockets in your grocer's freezer today!

Let's Tell the EADJ Mail Sack That It's Never Going To College Even Though Its Grades Are Clearly Sufficient To Go To A Decent School!

Submitted by John Reid, a link to an item for sale on Buy.com:


Item Description: Butterscotch Pony is a life-sized plush pony that loves to be groomed and cared for. She has many features similar to that of a real pony, including moving eyes, ears and head, soft fur coat and a swishing tail. Through sensors, Butterscotch can feel when she is being groomed and will move her head toward you, and may whinny and snort. The more you touch her, the happier she becomes. Just like a real pony, Butterscotch loves carrots and can be "fed." Hold the pretend carrot to her face, and she will open her mouth for it, or shake her head "no" if she has had enough. Kids can even sit on Butterscotch and she will make walking sounds. Measures 39" tall. Requires 6 "D" batteries (not included). Adult assembly required. Holds up to 80 pounds.

"Comedy possibilities? Endless," John writes.

Some possible uses:
• Sneak Butterscotch into a petting zoo, beat it mercilessly in front of children
• Insert bacon into Butterscotch's anus, take to dog park
• Insert bacon into own anus, take to dog park
• Bring Butterscotch onto crowded subway, turn on, and scream "ALLAH IS GREAT!"
• Place Butterscotch under child's bed after showing them Poltergeist.
• Take Butterscotch to a cow pasture and see if they give a shit
• Try to ride Butterscotch through airport security
• Hire a stripper and insist she use Butterscotch in her act. Start crying when she does.
• Take Butterscotch to a faith healing church. Bring it to the front, and turn on when preacher touches it.
• Comb Butterscotch's pretty hair, and fuck.
• Put it in passenger seat, cruise on Sunset.
• Throw Butterscotch into one of the prisoner's cells in Guantanamo Bay. Never explain.
• Hold auditions where actors have to read opposite Butterscotch for a dramatic role on NBC series Friday Night Lights. Call them later to tell them they didn't get the part.

The link is here.