Now Available on the App Store

Ellen's Garden Restoration: Micromanage and yell at all of your employees but be sure to appear friendly and charming whenever the TV cameras come on. BOSS LEVEL: interview and confront Dakota Johnson!

 

Good Job, Algorithm.

 This popped up for me on CNN.com:

Yep, Ritz-Carlton Yachts, you nailed it. I'm in the market for a luxury mega yacht trip to Fiji- something in the 40-60 ft. range, preferably with a bow-forward bedroom with floor-to-ceiling windows.

Call me. My tens of thousands are burning in my pocket!

New EADJ Segment: Let's Dunk On Crap For Sale On Wish

 Sometimes Wish doesn't post a description for any of their crap merchandise on Facebook carousels, so we took it upon ourselves to add our own captions:

Is Grandma peeing too much? Cut her off with this handy bladder tourniquet. $3 for a set of two, so you can immobilize your older aunt, too.

Believe it or not, this tiny chip has every last Commodore 64 game save from a junior high class in Abilene Texas from 1985. UNBELIEVABLE! You can play Maniac Mansion again!

Spy on your nosy neighbors with these inconspicuous night vision goggles. And maybe see Gail's nipples if you're lucky.

These lifelike disembodied legs will look great... somewhere. Where would someone put these? I can't think of anyplace that wouldn't be creepy. Especially at home. Never mind. You're gross.

Now available: a 3-volume set chronicling every dumb thing you did in high school! It's all here, like sitting-down-with-people-way-cooler-than-you, your-voice-cracking-while-asking-to-go-to-the-bathroom, and an entire volume alone about your stupid exploits in homeroom! Gold!

If this segment is received well, look out for future installments of LDOCFSOW!

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of June 24, 2012

Here now are this week's least popular Twitter hash tags (feel free to use):

#creedfan

#swastickle

#pinkdingleberry

#stmaryscathedralbitches

#runwildshow

#titanic3dawesomeness

#thatfreecreditreport.comband

#godblessticketmaster

#bursitis

#caprisunabortions

#pocarisweat

#ilackspellingandgrammarskills

#dustindiamonddirtysanchez

#hazelnutsinmydiarrhea

#myspace

#bringbackbrontosaurus

#jesushatesme

#chickenegginmypussyyall

#assneck

#blowjobdoofus

#pantyhoseforpilgrims

#oscilloscopesforsale

#kookooroofordinnerhooray

Let's Tell the EADJ Mail Sack That It's Never Going To College Even Though Its Grades Are Clearly Sufficient To Go To A Decent School!

Submitted by John Reid, a link to an item for sale on Buy.com:


Item Description: Butterscotch Pony is a life-sized plush pony that loves to be groomed and cared for. She has many features similar to that of a real pony, including moving eyes, ears and head, soft fur coat and a swishing tail. Through sensors, Butterscotch can feel when she is being groomed and will move her head toward you, and may whinny and snort. The more you touch her, the happier she becomes. Just like a real pony, Butterscotch loves carrots and can be "fed." Hold the pretend carrot to her face, and she will open her mouth for it, or shake her head "no" if she has had enough. Kids can even sit on Butterscotch and she will make walking sounds. Measures 39" tall. Requires 6 "D" batteries (not included). Adult assembly required. Holds up to 80 pounds.

"Comedy possibilities? Endless," John writes.

Some possible uses:
• Sneak Butterscotch into a petting zoo, beat it mercilessly in front of children
• Insert bacon into Butterscotch's anus, take to dog park
• Insert bacon into own anus, take to dog park
• Bring Butterscotch onto crowded subway, turn on, and scream "ALLAH IS GREAT!"
• Place Butterscotch under child's bed after showing them Poltergeist.
• Take Butterscotch to a cow pasture and see if they give a shit
• Try to ride Butterscotch through airport security
• Hire a stripper and insist she use Butterscotch in her act. Start crying when she does.
• Take Butterscotch to a faith healing church. Bring it to the front, and turn on when preacher touches it.
• Comb Butterscotch's pretty hair, and fuck.
• Put it in passenger seat, cruise on Sunset.
• Throw Butterscotch into one of the prisoner's cells in Guantanamo Bay. Never explain.
• Hold auditions where actors have to read opposite Butterscotch for a dramatic role on NBC series Friday Night Lights. Call them later to tell them they didn't get the part.

The link is here.