The Rarest of Occurrences Caught On Camera

Spotted in Union, NJ: A Bank of America where all three teller windows are OPEN.

THIS IS NOT A PHOTOSHOP

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Santander Bank

A new corporate bank has taken root in different parts of New York City, and it's a great time for EADJ to hate them off the bat. Santander Bank. Fuck them. Why?

Because nothing instills confidence like a cheap vinyl banner stuck over the previous bank's name. Really tells people you're in it for the long haul. Better deposit my life savings with the bank that's living out of a suitcase in case the Feds come.

The logo either looks like a plate on fire or a baby chick doing the "Thriller" dance (turn it on its side). Plus it's red and white with the word "Santa" on it. Nice borrowed interest, assholes (yes, that is a bank pun). 

So go fuck your tellers' mothers, Santander Bank. Maybe one day you too will go under and will end up as umbrella signage on a fruit cart out front. FUCK YOU

The Use of Dubstep Music in Advertising, An Essay Brought To You In Part By Utz

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I Can't Believe There's Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Just when we thought we'd seen every last generic brand of toilet paper, we go take a poop somewhere public and are confronted with yet another EADJ bit (or bits, since the paper is so fragile).

Brand: Green Heritage

Label: Wavy green leaves, separated by undulating white lines.

Feels Like: Wiping with somebody's old family tree chart.

Brand: Keep It Green

Label: What looks like a piece of sod, decorated with a butterfly and a FOOTBALL?!

Feels Like: Getting blitzed by linebackers in your ain-hole.

Brand: Slurp Ass Surpass

Label: Brown tobacco leaves or brown coffee beans, plus a disturbing asterix near the name (is that a drawing of an asshole?)

Feels Like: Falling off the back seat of a motorcycle in short shorts and landing on the back tire at 80mph.

Brand: Soft Touch

Label: Plain lettering over a Tiffany blue background

Feels Like: Somebody lied.