Gallery Review of Two Unknown Paintings at the Jiffy Lube Waiting Area in Vauxhall, New Jersey

While awaiting the oil change for a Honda Odyssey minivan, I happened upon two companion works of art displayed above the empty "free coffee" area of the room. Now, initially it seems counterintuitive to display such pieces in a corner of the room, seeing how much white space there is under the TV, but upon closer inspection, it seems to be the most ideal place to feature these striking pieces.

"Untitled 1"

Nestled in the corner—almost flush in the crease—is the first untitled piece. Evoking the balance and organic geometry of Paul Klee or Rothko, this composition commands the limited space it inhabits with its grounded white, offset by the muted blues and black. The olive shape at the left almost is almost bestial, suggesting a bear on its hind legs.

"Untitled 2"

Playing with the same general whites and blues as its companion, this piece lands in a similar but ultimately different place: the sturdy whites still dominate the canvas but are sharper in their definition and at the same time are more translucent when overlapping the darker colors. The smudge of pink at the top center reminds us the same value was present but possibly ignored or overlooked in "Untitled 1". The blues and darker tones have become more dominant here, providing a solid foothold at the top and bottom to contain the white. It invokes a night sky that soothes and comforts... oh wait. They just said my car is ready. Gotta go!

New From Mattel

A Ken Doll that when you ask if he has any weed, calls the police on you.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig,

This one doesn't make much sense, actually.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Eat a Dick, Cheney.

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Painted Pumpkins

Hey, painted pumpkins. Fuck you.

You readymade, unimpressive crafts for the lazy or unskilled. Why carve a pumpkin the old fashioned way, when you can just whip out your acrylics and paint what you couldn't use a simple butter knife to render?

Okay, maybe I can see this as a "safe" pumpkin carving alternative for toddlers and whatnot. But with those new, dulled idiot-proof pumpkin carving kits everywhere,  you'd be hard pressed to somehow cut open an artery unless you were really aiming for one.

Let's face it. Carved pumpkins are infinitely cooler (and more fun to smash by neighborhood kids) than a pumpkin whose insides have never been exposed. Painting a pumpkin is one step away from just giving up on Halloween and leaving your porch light off. Next year, why even bother?

Now, if you see a friend or relative set out a pumpkin and start painting that thing in front of you, show them this essay, and why they're reading this and not looking, plunge a machete into their pumpkin and start the irreversible process of gutting that motherfucker for a real jack o' lantern. They will be left no choice but to see how much better carving really is once they've stopped screaming.

A Nightmare Scenario

Imagine this: a terrorist chemical attack has just struck a major U.S. city. There are hundreds, possibly thousands of casualties, and the news station you intern for is about the break the story. But the problem is, the station's entire music library was deleted, and the ONLY music you can use for the intro to this breaking story comes from the play telephone on the Fisher Price Laugh & Learn® Fun With Friends Musical Table.

You cannot quit, and you will get FULL CREDIT for whatever airs. The cameras roll in six minutes. You must choose one of the nine music tracks to use. Not using music is not an option. Which do you pick?

Remember, this is for a major terrorist attack of a U.S. city.











Remember, this is for a major terrorist attack of a U.S. city.

Post your vote in the comments, and we'll see which track the news station would use!

An Old Entry I Forgot To Post

Vent! Vent!

UAG

The Learning Annex Announces New Classes For Fall 2010

This year, like every year, The Learning Annex announces a new semester of obscure, useless classes taught by reluctant celebrities to people who have nothing better to do. Some of this year's courses:

"How To Fight For The Common Folk Whilst Still Sounding Like Zsa Zsa Gabor" with Ariana Huffington

"Tyrese Explains How His Character in 'Transformers' Was Different From Josh Duhamel's Character Other Than His Being Black" (with guest speaker Josh Duhamel)

"Creative Napkin Folding" with Macy Gray

"Bruce Willis Demonstrates 48 Different Ways To Smirk"

"Téa Leoni Explains To Her Fans Why They Find Her So Hot"

"Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, and Dick Cheney Talk To The Few People Left Who Think They Did Good"

"David Spade Shuts Up For a Goddamned Second"

"Perez Hilton Will Suck Your Dick For $50. No, Seriously. Make It $40."

"Cali Swag District's 14-Part Instructional Course: How To Dougie"

"Chelsea Handler On How To Be At Least Funnier Than Jimmy Fallon"

"Working With Contact Paper With Fabio"

"Matthew Lillard Shows You How To Make Macaroni Salad Instead of Starring In a Hit Movie"

"Hayden Christensen On The Art Of Acting LOL"

"Latoya Jackson Isn't Here To Teach, Actually- She's Here To Learn How To Napkin Fold With Macy Gray"

"Randy Quaid's 17 Steps To Going Batshit Crazy"

"Kenan Thompson Previews 478 New Unfunny SNL Characters"

"Christy Turlington Farts And It Smells Like Chanel No. 5"