Six Lies Told By The Harbor House "How To Eat Crabs" Brochure

1) "Turn the crab over, belly down and facing away from you." This step isn't necessary unless it gets you off from the power.

2) "Some people enjoy the taste of the 'mustard' and some will pick it away." The "mustard" is some of the best part, dammit! Of course it does look like someone blew their nose inside a crab.

3) The only time crabs has ever brought up on Fox & Friends is when the president described his sexual exploits during the Vietnam War.

4) "Jumbo Lump" is also known as a "FUPA"

5) Making a scared  cartoon crab out of the garnish isn't necessary.

6) The iLoveCrabs Cookbook brings back all your favorite minor celebrities like Hal Sparks and Chuck Nice to riff on crustaceans and to make unfunny seafood pop culture references.

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EADJ and SE Johnson Wax are happy to announce the 6 Lies Told Disinfectant Cleaner. With over 80 strong but natural ingredients, this cleaner disinfects 103% of bacteria and viruses in existence. Available behind the counter at your local Dollar General. Must be over 18 to purchase.

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

UAG

Even More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

Chelsea: "Okay, our hair is all braided. Now the fuck what?"

Dina: "Are you finished yet?"

Hector: "Ugggghhh. Yep."

Tranquility Base: "What seems to be the problem, Capricorn One?"

Captain Wilson: "Tranquility Base, I thing the Tang is fermented, cuz I am tripping balls here."

Morgan Freeman's Character: "It's odd that we all worked for Bruce Wayne."

Michael Caine's Character: "That's true. How very interesting."

Alan Arkin's Character: "Bruce Wayne? Who's Bruce Wayne? Are you two crazy?!"

Dean (Ferrell): "He was cheating in Blackjack. Rough him up, Sully."

Sully: "You mean, like, shake him, or slap him?"

Dean: "Jeez, I don't know, Sully, try both, okay? You're the muscle!"

Greg: "Sorry, hon. I'm sure we parked around here somewhere..."

Papa Smurf: "Even though we've lived in an isolated village far from humans, we somehow know all the latest pop culture phrases and memes, ain't that right, Brainy Smurf?"

Brainy Smurf: "YOLO, beeyatch! Fidget Spinner Twitterverse Rickroll throwing shade! LOL"

Saresh: "You know how it is!"

Prya: "I sure do!"

Demon 3: "Okay, you found me."

Axton: "I'm going bonkers here, Wilma! I need a motherfucking support animal!"

Dougie: "My penis is erect because of your amazing body."

Candy: "Gross. I'm calling the police."

6 Lies Told In The Liberty Village Premium Outlets Back-To-School & Fall Preview Sale Brochure

1. The joyful affection between little girl and the young woman is faked.

2. They're not related. The young, thin woman has obviously never even given birth before.

3. The little girl is not actually a ballerina.

4. Not actually open from 10am to 6pm on Sunday. About around 5:45pm, Judy starts locking up the DSW entrance and declares that the mall is closed. Judy is usually in a hurry to get home to watch HBO's "Veep," starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

5. It's actually hard to "Shop Brilliantly" when stores like Sunglass Hut and Orange Julius are being run by kids who barely graduated high school.

6. If you follow Church Street to the end, you wind up in an old cotton field with a scarecrow in a turtleneck and overalls.

Channel 2 News is Crap.

"Around 11:25, we must always, always make room for some kind of retarded animal story. As journalists we owe it to our viewers."