Spotted in Target

These two subjects hold the same prominence in my brain, too.

It's Me. Hi, I'm The Pathmark, It's Me

UAG

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Did you miss this segment? Because it missed you.

EADJ Magazine Feature: ASIS

If you ride the New York subway regularly, you'll often find a tiny magazine/bodega on the actual platforms. These vendors carry magazine titles that you won't see at your local Borders- often there's a black woman with a gigantic ass on the cover of these periodicals. It was here that I bought a copy of ASIS.


ASIS. The magazine for hustlas, bangers, playas, and ballers who need something to read while waiting at the orthodontist's office.


ASIS boasts articles like "Most Expensive Cars," "Expungement 101," "Domestic Violence: When She Lies," and "How To Bake Vegan Cupcakes In Only 45 Minutes."


One prominent article involved self-defense and domestic abuse, offering helpful ways to avoid getting arrested when your lying bitch of a wife claims you whaled on her when you totally didn't.



Other "how to" articles ranged from the practical to the highly-aspirational:


Oh yeah. There's also booty.



Throw in a rambling interview with wrongly-convicted inmate Darryl "Reese" Johnson with a history of drug dealing and murder attempts, and you've got yourself Issue 13 of ASIS on the newsstands!

Proof I'm Not Ready To Be A Father Yet

In the latest issue of SkyWest Magazine (??!????!!!???!?!???!!???), I get a chuckle from two ads that put "nutz" and "beaver" next to each other.

A Great Tip From Self Magazine

Spotted on the cover of "Self" at Pathmark: a blurb in pink:



"Look Like You Lost 5 Pounds?!"

Is losing five pounds that hard? Shit fucking ballsack. How goddamned lazy do you have to be to be unable to drop five lousy pounds? I lose that after an extended dump. I lose that after skipping a lunch. I lose that after getting off my fat ass and going for a run. Shit, people. "Look like you lost 5 pounds." Self Magazine, instead of encouraging you to eat right or –God forbid– exercise, has helped you craft a way to fool all of your friends into thinking you lost five pounds. They are spinning a web of lies for you from which you cannot escape. One lie leads to another, and soon you're murdering a janitor to use his corpse to fake your own death so that you can move to Mexico and start a new life! Don't read that article!

By the way, nobody notices when you lose only five pounds. Lose ten pounds and then we can talk, fatass.

BRAAAAIIINNNS!

Check out the cover of this month's Thrive(?) Magazine:




Fucking terrifying.