Kickstarter Projects That Failed To Meet Their Funding Goal

The following crowdfunding campaigns were the least successful this month:

• A high protein drink made exclusively of hangnails bitten off by nervous students

• A special edition "flip and fuck" for celibate people

• Specially angled square rigged sails that allow navigators of tall ships to FINALLY sail upwind at angles closer than 60 degrees

• Skateboards with sensors that warn you when cops, Karens or kids who can skate better than you are nearby

• The Gräfenberg spot cleaner

This Week In Failed Kickstarter Projects

Here are the latest crowdfunded projects that failed to meet their financial goals:

• A small, handsome derby for beetles which they can tip when they meet each other in public

• Dung-based burger patties

• Alcoholic Capri-Suns shaped like tits (for adults only)

• Alcoholic Ring Pops shaped like dicks (for adults only)

• a dumb custom car horn for Jeeps that's just someone yelling "JEEP!"

• an unauthorized biography of actor Robert Duvall that's actually authorized

• inedible panties

• "Hardworking Susan" - a raised table platform for food that does NOT turn

The Latest Failed Crowdfunded Projects on Kickstarter

Here now are this week's crowdfund projects that unfortunately did not make their funding goal:

• A kitchen counter composter that takes your vegetables and turns them into fertilizer pellets– literally a live rabbit

• A weighted blanket that weighs you down with guilt

• A DUI device that makes your breath smell like you've been eating ass instead of drinking

• Vape cigars that make you look like a heavyweight douche

• Samma doppa yumma tatcha YOON YOON (description is unclear)

• Inedible panties

• Checkers except the pieces are live miniature turtles painted white and black and the checkerboard is made of flattened lettuce and we don't really have any idea of this is going to work

• Legwarmers for subway sandwiches

• Monocles for sophisticated cyclopses

Kickstarter Projects That Didn't Get Off The Ground

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the least successful crowdfunding campaigns of the month:

• MEAT SPINDLE -  a toilet paper spindle made out of delicious gyro lamb/beef meat

• Painted Clams - colorful painted clamshells that contain prizes and holiday cheer (not limited to Thanksgiving)

• Toothpaste bukakke - no description necessary

• Small pieces of cardboard cut especially for breakdancing mice

• A book compiling 50,000 love letters sent to Darla from "Our Gang" that were never sent

• A stapler that yells "JEFF EPSTEIN DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF" whenever used

Here Are The Latest Successfully Funded Kickstarter Projects

Kickstarter has helped hundreds of small businesses get off the ground through the magic of crowdfunding. Here now are the latest projects that have successfully received enough funding:

• Pogs made from Naan bread

• Feet for pajamas without feet so that they're pajamas with feet 

• Piñatas in the shape of those motherfuckers at "Shark Tank" that didn't fund your last business idea

• A women's magazine that's written in the voice of your last scuzzy boyfriend

• A radical drink holder for skateboarders

• A yoga book that shows people putting off yoga class for another week

• Sarcastic stop signs

Kickstarter's Funded and Failed Projects, April 2022

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the most successful crowdfunding campaigns for this month:  

• Toddler clothes for adults to wear while they're using coloring books for adults

• Digital bladeless pizza cutter

• Luggage that grunts when you sit on it to close the zipper when it's overpacked

• A DVD box set of Guardians of the Galaxy films with all of Groot's dialogue replaced with Beastie Boys' Ad Rock saying "DRRROPP?"

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the least successful crowdfunding campaigns of this month: 

• Tap shoes for goths

• Cold sore cream that smells like former White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's asshole

• Titty lathe

• Eco-friendly disposable water bottles that actually break down after 30 million years

• Cat belts

Some Crowdfunded Projects That Just Got Greenlit

Thanks to suckers investors like you, Kickstarter has helped this entrepreneurs get these new projects off the ground and onto shelves:

• Dehydrated Cheez-Its: just add water!

• A mattress that jerks you off at different speeds. What's your sleep number?

• The Wheel™

• Laser bread slicer for geeks who don't care about the safety of their children

• Suffering-flavored Tang

• Miniature cabbage you can grow in your ear

• A high-end shoebox that can hold your high-end coupons for high-end groceries

• Another fucking device for you to keep up with

• Instagram filter that makes you look like you're not a shitty attention-seeking Instagrammer

New Funding Projects Now on Kickstarter

Every business needs capital to get started. And Kickstarter has announced the latest new ventures looking for funding from you. Feel free to contribute to help these business ideas get off the ground:

• Thongs made entirely from seashells

• Jeans that are so skinny they go inside your legs

• Sodium-free spice for steaks that is definitely not repackaged Mrs. Dash

• Special gender reveal party balloons that incinerate everyone in a 30 ft. radius

• Instruction book "How To Seduce Your Office's H.R. Manager"

• Unique camera zoom lenses that also double as thermoses when it's cold

• Temporary tattoos that say FOREVER

This Week's Newest Kickstarter Campaigns!

Kickstarter thinks you should support small business. And one way you can do that is by helping fund some businesses that are trying to get off the ground. Here are the latest crowdfunding hopefuls:

• a hardcore punk band that unironically sings corporate anthems (available for corporate team building events)

• used diaper bin/house plant fertilizer/house pet recycler

• backup fire extinguisher (fire extinguisher companies HATE this)

• salmon Oreos

• innovative printer that requires no toner but still costs $15/page

• CrossFit booties for your gerbils so you can take them with you on Iron Man competitions

This Week's Newest Crowdfunding Opportunities

Since 2009, Kickstarter has helped almost dozens of companies successfully launch their products through crowdfunding. Here are this week's offerings that you can throw your money at:

• A pair of cute rabbit ears you put on your cat to piss them off more than anything

• The Benito Mussolini weathervane

• "Bath grenades"-  bath bombs that you have to throw over 30 ft or you'll get really hurt

• A portable device that makes a "gloop" sound whenever you walk so it sounds like you're a mud monster

• Whisker sprinkles? I dunno

• A unique beverage formed from fermented *gag* I can't even finish the description it's so gross *gag*

New Projects At Kickstarter!

Kickstarter has helped hundreds of unique, innovative products that simply needed funding to get off the ground. Here are this week's newest crowdfunding projects:

• genetically modified oranges with mouths that recite words that spell with "orange"

• Finally, an organic, vegan, 100% recycled, sustainable, allergen-free, kid-and-pet-friendly, American-manufactured, non-toxic, easy-to-install, small-batch-produced, customizable, biodegradable, easy to carry, uh... what were we talking about?

• 100% STEEL PRETZELS

• A workout device that looks like a Thighmaster and works like a Thighmaster but is totally not a Thighmaster

• Weighted blankets! Oh, they make those already? Shit.

• A spatula/sexual device that's easy to clean between uses

• 3D printer that print giant, dimensional Powerpoint slides for a real WOW factor during presentations

• Soy-based anger

• Special water-based paint on puppies' fur so that they can advertise your shitty business with QR codes

• Multi-frequency Angela detector that can find the nearest Angela in your area