Happy New Year from Eat A Dick Joel!

Do we have any New Year's resolutions? Sure. Here are a few:

• More awareness

• Being more in touch with ourselves

• Being more present in our own and others' lives

• Practicing humility and mindfulness

• Engaging more and promoting wellness

• Having more awareness of our mindfulness

• Showing gratitude for not having Pewter Bear around anymore

Fucking hell. We managed to be free of this pewter motherfucker for a literal DECADE and that glorious record has been ruined. Great way to start off the new year. Fucking fucking FUCK. God DAMMIT.

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract updates, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week: 

• Cook, You

• Bike Cops Solving Dumb Murders

• The Real Housewives of "The Real Housewives" Series Producers

• Sean Spicer's Hollywood Squares Desperados

• Sanford & Son: the White, All-Female Reboot

Due to periodic contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Game Show: Open This Capri-Sun

• Pimp My Gastrointestinal Tract

• Period Piece Drama With A Camaro In The Background

• Antonio Banderas Pronounces Different Types of Vegetable Names

• Golden Girls: The Black, All-Male Reboot

The Latest Info Wars Conspiracy Drafts

Alex Whatshishead and his Info Wars staff have lost the show, lost their YouTube channel, podcast and are barred from even holding a meeting in a public park, but that hasn't stopped them from cooking up some exciting new right wing conspiracies for you to spread on your nationalist webring site. Here are their latest kooky conspiracies:

• ISIS has purchased both Sears and K-Mart and are planning to launch a new Muslim big box store with scary greeters.

• If you combine the chemical elements Holmium (HO) and Molybdenum (MO), you can cause an explosion that makes you gay (HOMO).

• The entire Obama administration was an elaborate Deep Fake video, created by ILM and a child's drawing of a skinny black man.

• Roseanne's show was canceled because she knew too much about the television Nielsen Ratings scam perpetuated by carnival workers and garden pixies.

• The ShamWow doesn't work, and the fact that it had the word "sham" in its name only goes to show you how far the Demoncrats will go to sell you Satan's evil non-absorbent micro-cloths.

• Fact: No one was ever looking for Lionel Richie to begin with!