Merry Christmas From Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ thank you for continuing to read us for whatever reason and send you the brightest and warmest Christmas greetings.

Don't get too drunk.

Two Obscure Movies I Haven't Seen That Are Probably About The Lead Actor's Cock

Movie: Crystal Inferno

Starring: Claire Forlani (Clerks) and Jamie Bamber (Battlestar Galactica)

What's Up With The Lead Actor's Cock: It's burning at the bottom. Probably from some sort of sexually transmitted disease like chlamydia or gonorrhea, but could also be a bacterial infection.

Next Steps: Claire should probably get tested for STDs. Jamie should visit a clinic and put some cream on it.

Movie: Flashburn

Starring: Sean Patrick Flanery (KAW!) and Cameron Richardson (huh?)

What's Up With The Lead Actor's Cock: It too is burning, but with a FLASH! Possibly from foreign bioluminescent material or a leaky glow stick.

Next Steps: Cameron should check her body for glowy parts and get tested for STDs ASAP TCBY. Sean should sit in a bath of warm molasses just to be safe.

Another Preview of Info Wars Conspiracies In The Making

The crack writing crackpots of "Info Wars" are already working on next week's set of Alex Jones fuckbottle rants. (What's a fuckbottle? I'll keep it.) Here now are a few conspiracies you can look forward to supporting and spreading, if you are a dumb, right wing bigot shithead asshole cocksucker:

• Bales of hay left in farm fields contain homing beacon trackers for North Korean paratroopers once they invade in August

• Pesto is actually gay leprechaun semen. Believe me- I know.

• The #MeToo movement is a group of angry Etsy sellers out to destroy all males and turn this country into a fascist knitocracy 

• The Big and Tall Mens Store staffs attractive, nice smelling young men with rippling muscles on purpose so that when they measure your inseam, you cum like a shark

• The board game Connect Four is an unfair, manipulative bullshit of a fucking game and WE DON'T WANT TO PLAY THAT ANYMORE