And More Puddles of New York City, Identified By Pantone Number

Previous installments of this stupid segment are here.

Program note: Although Pantone is still commonly used throughout the publishing and marketing industry, we have added HEX numbers for digital applications and for millennials who have never heard of Pantone fans.

Update: We just realized that using the symbol "#" doesn't translate as "number" to millennials, so now they're all going to be confused, checking Instagram for trending hashtags, #Jeez

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Berner & Styles P were delighted that the IKEA cafeteria offered plates of broccoli.

Eric finished his album cover and then returned the safety scissors to Ms. Hannigan's desk.

"You called a Lyft?"

Soulja Boy not only is a terrible rapper - he also has trouble storing his money and thinks airport runways are good places to park.

When Party City doesn't have licensed Star Wars costumes, Kent Jones is forced to wear "Death Space Villain."

In my old man experience, any album that has the word "purp" or "trap" automatically sucks.

And so far, I haven't been wrong.

Somebody mixed their Allegra with their ketamine.

Guess what his favorite movie is (it rhymes with "Spar Trace")?

No regrets at all, B? Not even the man bun?

"Texas Rangers" and Its Place in Crappinema History

Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 2% rotten rating, but I can't say it was that bad.

Sure, it sucked monkey nuts and had some surprisingly boring shoot out scenes, and perhaps they overused the shit out of the traveling-montage-with-a-map-superimposed-technique, and maybe James Van Der Beek and Ashton Kutcher were boring and maybe it was all filmed on the cheap like some Hallmark Original Movie, but I'll tell you what-

It was never, ever as bad as "Jock of the Bushveldt."

Click to enlarge. "Texas Rangers" finds its place between "KAW!" and "Da Station."

The Joel Angel Project: Magic Trick #2

Yes, it took only 559 days, but Joel finally has a second magic trick video to offer for the Joel Angel Project. This being a stopgap, apparently:

"Okay, I'm doing two more videos, first of all. They take forever because I'm busy, and new iMovie frustrates me to no end, THIS video took a week of my just trying to figure out how to edit right. I miss old iMovie. I understood old iMovie.  Second, yes, that's a handlebar mustache--my poker pro mustache. I've since shaved it."

Execution: 6

Presentation: 3

Criss Angel Factor: 0. This is actually not a Criss Angel trick but a David Blaine Street Magic trick:



***Edit:***

Okay, Criss Angel actually HAS done this particular trick, too:



Secret Behind The Trick: A complex series of cables, pulleys and counterweights.

And by the way, Joel is right. The new version of iMovie does suck royally.

At this rate, we look forward to Joel's next videos on February 15, 2015 and August 27, 2016.

A Foodstuff Experiment

Not to be outdone by 5 Hour Energy Drink, some random no-name company decided to come out with 6-Hour Energy Cookie. This makes sense because huh?

So what do I do? Naturally, I buy one like an idjit.

So I ate the cookie at 9:45 and will check in later at quarter to three to let you know if this morning cookie got me pumped all day like a red bu... sorry. Like a red rhino. *rolls eyes*

Shit's nasty, btw.

**UPDATE:**  My math sucks. I meant quarter to four, not three. And although I haven't felt "charged" in the last 6 hours, I haven't fallen asleep on my ass, either.

Overall grade: F