The excellent writing staff at Alex Jones's InfoWars are at it again. They've been so prolific that they've been gracious enough to share with EADJ some false stories that they'll be covering on the show in the coming weeks. Here's a sneak peek!
• Horse manure mixed with pumpkin seeds cures male pattern baldness
• Public librarians are spying on what books you read, so don't read
• The letters of the word "TURBAN" can be rearranged to spell "TERORISM"
• Every Disney animated movie contains hidden codes that can unlock the Freemasons' seed vault in Norway
• Sweater vests were invented by homosexuals to add some casual, friendly style to a shirt and tie
• LASERS!
• Memory foam products actually retain any information about you and digitally transmit the info to "Big Mattress"
• Taco shells are actually made by Americans, thus stealing jobs from hardworking Mexicans
Listen, guys– Daryl and John, is it? I don't know where all of this is coming from. I'm guessing you two are attracted to me and all, and I'm supposed to be flattered, but frankly, it's disturbing and pathetic and you two need to leave me alone. I've been coming into this bar for weeks now and think all this unwanted attention from you is pretty much harassment at this point. Here now is my point-by-point rebuttal of what you two have been saying about me:
1) I "only come out at night" because the bar is only open at night, from 7pm-2am. It says so on the sign, dummies.
2) "the lean and hungry type"? Is that skinny shaming? I did have a tapeworm 5 years ago.
3) "Ooh, she's sitting with you but her eyes are on the door" I was waiting for my friend Tammy that night. We were going to have some jalapeño poppers before that new Sandra Bullock movie. You two sat down and started the conversation.
4) "So many have paid to see / what you think you're getting for free" Now look. I appreciate that you paid for the jalapeño poppers but had NO IDEA you expected sexual favors in return. Then turn around and imply I'm some kind of prostitute? Classy, guys.
5) "(Oh here she comes) watch out boy she'll chew you up (Oh here she comes) She's a maneater" Cute. I turn you guys down once and all of a sudden I'm this out of control Jezebel. I regret accepting the jalapeño poppers if I knew this is how you'd react.
6) "Mind over matter / Ooh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart" This is some classic bullshit. The skinny blonde guy and the short dude with the porn mustache creep me out at a bar, but I'm the demon for not responding to their weak game. You guys are assholes. And by the way, a saxophone solo is not sexy- it's cheesy AF.
