UAG

Here Are The Types of Things I Say When A Public Restroom's Paper Towel Dispenser Doesn't Work

"Fuck."

"Shit."

"Come on."

"Fuckin' thing."

"Ay moroni."

"Horsefeathers."

"What the..."

"MOTHERFUCKER."

"Oh cock."

"Jitters vagina."

"#papertoweldispensernotworking"

"BUT I NEED TO DRY MY HANDS!!!!"

"Bugger."

"Fuckjoy."

"Uy uy uy uy uy uy uy."

"Estelle Getty."

"WORK, YOU!"

EADJ Grades Your Papers

Since moving to a small town in New Jersey, it has become unavoidable to stumble upon the occasional errant school paper that some kid had lost or dropped. Here now, EADJ offers to grade these papers to teach the kids what's what.

"Solar Eclipses" by Unknown Girl




Transcript:

• A solar eclipse occurs when the moon passes between Earth and the sun, blocking the sunlight form reaching Earth.

• The darkest part of the moons shadow, the umbra, the umbra is cone shaped.

• From any point of the umbra, light from the sun iscompletely blocked by the moon.


Grammar: Terrible. Besides the unnecessary bullet format, the report suffers from run-on sentences and words that are too close together to distinguish by themselves. Also missing an apostrophe in the word "moons" to indicate possession. The bullet describing umbras is an incomplete sentence. The student also inexplicably changes from a cloud blue pen to a bright pink one midsentence.

Content: A single bullet about solar eclipses explains the phenomenon at a very cursory level. The third bullet is unclear as to from where exactly light from the sun is blocked. From the point of view of someone standing in the umbra? From the umbra itself (thus personifying it)? Poorly written.

Overall Grade: A disappointment. We were looking for more in-depth analysis (most notably the yearly frequency) of the solar phenomenon: D

"Elle Magazine" by Laura




Grammar: Lacking. There are many poor choices, many involving gerunds ("being" and "discussing") that result in awkwardly-worded sentences. The Strunk and White "Elements of Style" also dictates that the names of magazines should be italicized.

Content: Not bad. The basic information of Elle's marketing strategy is laid out in simple, direct fashion (pun!). However, Laura's enthusiasm for the content colored her coverage; several unnecessary exclamation marks found their way into her paper.

Overall Grade: I've never heard of a "Luxury Brand Management" class before, but even if I had, this wouldn't be a home run. I believe Professor T was too generous with a B+, quite frankly. I give it: C

The Source Is Either Racist Or Truly Understands Young Black Men

Spotted in the latest issue of The Source, a series of strip ads for Colgate that are tips on "How To Keep It Fresh:"
Tips that include using the product...


Complimenting your date...


Paying for the check...the WHOLE check...


What?! Did a major toothpaste brand just say that black men were cheap?


Yes, I think they just did say that black men were cheap. And that black people don't have noses, either. And that a black man smiling resembles a brown motorcycle helmet.

An Open Letter to Hummer H2 Owners

Dear Hummer H2 Owner:

Ha ha. So now what, bitch? You shelled out $35K for a big honking super-SUV status symbol a few years ago, and now you're feeling regret? Awesome.

Sure, you knew it would look "commanding" in front of the P.F. Chang's and the Blockbuster Video when you'd double park it during your errands. PLUS you knew beforehand that Hummers only have like 11 MPG. But it was worth the gas money to look "boss" for the "ladies," right?

Buuut, you didn't count on gas getting this expensive. Or society going all green. And now GM's own Kelton Research study says that "at a party, 80% of US car buyers would rather chat up the owner of a fuel-efficient car than someone with a fancy new sports car." So even women at parties don't think you're cool.


Oh, you say no big deal, that you already make plenty of money to offset the $128+ it takes to fill your tank? And those girls at the party were skanks anyway? Hey, that's exactly the standard numbnutted douchebag response we were expecting!

So enjoy your three-ton brick, pal. Maybe you can just fill it with Gatorade now and push it around like a sports bottle. Or fill it with vinegar so you can douche, you douche.

Fuck your mother,
Eat a Dick Joel