The Constantly Changing Number of New Jersey Monthly's Top Dentists, and Three Theories

On the wall at my son's orthodontist's office, there are awards that brag that his orthodontist has made the year's Top Dentist five or six times, according to New Jersey Monthly Magazine.

The odd thing is that the number of Top Dentists changes wildly from year to year— from 624 to 603 to 565. What the hell? Why doesn't the magazine just keep a constant number, like the Fortune 500? Here are three theories of why they might do this: 

Note: These are just a blind theories and are not based on any verifiable facts, so don't sue us, New Jersey Monthly

Theory 1: The magazine is corrupt and demands TRIBUTE

Like the old Who's Who of High School Students racket, this is not so much a commendation as it is a shakedown. New Jersey Monthly tells hundreds of dentists across the state that THEIR NAME WILL BE PUBLISHED but they have to pay a hundred bucks or so to have that honor. So some dentists play ball and pony up but lots of others say "fuck that" and the number changes year to year. 

Theory 2: Someone who works at the magazine is hopelessly incompetent

There's an editor, production designer, editorial manager or publisher who every year is FUCKING IT UP for the Top Dentists feature. New Jersey readers have gotten used to the yearly announcement of the state's Top Dentists, but someone behind the scenes is fumbling it every time. Either they're losing the list of awardees or messing up the magazine layout software or getting their leg caught in the printing press. Something. Something that results in the deadline approaching, and the magazine throwing their hands up and saying, "Oh well. Tatum messed up again, so I guess we'll make this year's list only 593 dentists. Nice going, TATUM."

Theory 3: The magazine hates this one New Jersey dentist and is fucking with him/her

This is my favorite theory. I believe there's ONE DENTIST in New Jersey who was hugely unpopular among their class in dentist school—whether deserved or not—which has resulted in the publishers of New Jersey Monthly to perpetually exclude them from their Top Dentists list.

So this means that this unfortunate dentist is clearly competent, but because they make the list of Top Dentists every year, the magazine decides to just cut the list off right at their number.

What are YOUR theories?

Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based on the Flavors at Wing Stop (*WITH SPECIAL GUEST*)

It's no secret that Hollywood is all out of ideas. Scriptwriters are looking everywhere for some sort of property to turn into a hit movie. The biggest five studios—Universal, Paramount, Warner Bros, Disney and Sony—have now looked to the flavor menu at Wing Stop for inspiration to their next box office hit.

Here are the movie projects that are already in development:

"Garlic Parmesan" by DreamWorks Animation

A grouchy sprig of Garlic (voiced by Ryan Gosling) trapped in a pizzeria learns the value of teamwork and community as he meets Pepperoni (Katt Williams), Mozzarella (Kristen Wiig), Mushrooms (Kevin Hart and Peter Dinklage) and the oftentimes unwelcome Pineapple (Dane Cook).

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"Mild" starring Alexandra Daddario, Anthony Mackie and Jesse Plemons

The spicy food craze comes to a halt when two food scientists (Daddario and Mackie) accidentally create an addictive new mild spice to add to everything from salads to short ribs. Plemons stars as the FDA agent hellbent on stopping them. A hilarious romp but also an important think-piece about addiction and responsible sourcing. Directed by Adam McKay

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"Mango Habanero" starring Diego Luna, Benjamin Bratt and Jamie Foxx

A high-stakes prisoner race across the Southwest U.S. where the winner earns their freedom and the losers get executed. Set in the NEAR FUTURE. Also starring Kate Mara as the evil warden.

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The following entry was guest written by ANDREW GALL:

"Louisiana Rub"

The "Louisiana Rub” is the story of local barkeep Marcus Reed (Daniel Kaluuya) and jazz singer Elise DuBois (Zoe Saldana), whose fiery performances at the jazz club are as spicy as the city’s cuisine. As passions and secrets blend, the two must navigate through personal and professional conflicts. Directed by Ava DuVernay.

Let's Say Goodbye To All The Things Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!